The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:27 pm 
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Oh dear, how low will this thread go...
If you want low, try

BMW drivers are the most careful and considerate drivers on the road.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 7:02 pm 
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Oh dear, how low will this thread go...
Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.
It wasn't very pleasant to read as i'm mainly stripping wires and crimp terminals back on.

Jeroen

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 7:26 pm 
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Oh dear, how low will this thread go...
Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.
It wasn't very pleasant to read as i'm mainly stripping wires and crimp terminals back on.

Jeroen
I'd wager most of your crimp terminals are female.

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NRW 581W Sprint


On the motorway no one can hear me sing!
Construed as a public service, self preservation in reality.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 9:38 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Oh dear, how low will this thread go...
Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.
It wasn't very pleasant to read as i'm mainly stripping wires and crimp terminals back on.

Jeroen
I can see why it made you wince Jeroen :shock:

Tony.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:18 pm 
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Some of the stuff I just had to save...


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"Little difficulties are made to swell until they fill our horizon, while the real big blessings of life are dwindled down to nothing".. HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.
Member #2018011
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:22 pm 
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Some more.....


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"Little difficulties are made to swell until they fill our horizon, while the real big blessings of life are dwindled down to nothing".. HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.
Member #2018011
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 11:17 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've sh*t the bed!

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 5:18 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 6:34 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

Quote:
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:31 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2016 9:00 pm
Posts: 875
A man smelled a funny smell every time he drove his new car. Unable to get to the bottom of the problem, the mechanic asks the man to take him for a drive. The man is a terrifyingly bad driver, and at the end of the trip asks if the mechanic can now smell the smell. 'Smell it? I'm sitting in it!' replies the mechanic.

Warning. Do not Google, "smell it? I'm sitting in it". You've been warned.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 10:24 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
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Location: NANTWICH.
Me and the missus were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny. We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it. Then a copper on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket. I said "What the this for"? "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone" he replied.

(I wish) :(

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 9:17 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 9:53 pm
Posts: 593
Location: Harrow Middlesex
Quote:
Me and the missus were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny. We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it. Then a copper on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket. I said "What the this for"? "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone" he replied.

(I wish) :(
:D :D


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 6:12 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't p*ss out of it,' he replied.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 7:01 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 336
Location: NSW. Australia
One for the ladies......

What do toilet bowls, wedding anniversaries and clitorises have in common?
Men miss 'em all.

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"Little difficulties are made to swell until they fill our horizon, while the real big blessings of life are dwindled down to nothing".. HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.
Member #2018011


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2018 8:06 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:52 pm
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The dear old Father sadly passes away and the three sons are assembled in the Solicitor's Office for the reading of the Will.

" To my eldest I leave my house and one third of my business."

"To my 2nd eldest I leave my share portfolio and another third of my business."

" To my weedy, pathetic youngest I leave the final third of my business, in the hope he may eventually make something of it.

The three brothers are talking amongst themselves afterwards, and the eldest says "
"I shall be Company Director and advise everyone on Company strategy and business, going forward "

The 2nd eldest says
" I shall be Company Finance Director and advise on shares, and all things financial."

" And what about me " says the youngest ?

" Well" was the reply
" You can be our adviser or sexual matters …

" When we want your f*****g advice, we'll ask for it".


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