The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2018 11:18 am 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy b*****d" I shouted, through gritted teeth

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2018 12:58 pm 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
And one for our friends down under :D


A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 3:05 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 336
Location: NSW. Australia
A couple here that relate to Vintage cars....mostly Model T Fords.....


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"Little difficulties are made to swell until they fill our horizon, while the real big blessings of life are dwindled down to nothing".. HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.
Member #2018011
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:15 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 21, 2017 2:54 pm
Posts: 72
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...On any land..No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrude Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.."Your badge...Show him your badge!


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 3:47 pm 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout. "No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. "One hundred and fifty pounds!” He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d!"

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 4:51 pm 
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TDC Sprint Registrar
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Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:58 am
Posts: 1298
Location: London
Quote:
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout. "No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. "One hundred and fifty pounds!” He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d!"
:D

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NRW 581W Sprint


On the motorway no one can hear me sing!
Construed as a public service, self preservation in reality.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 8:03 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2014 10:02 pm
Posts: 2128
Location: Nr Kenilworth
Quote:
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...On any land..No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrude Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.."Your badge...Show him your badge!
:lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 8:06 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2014 10:02 pm
Posts: 2128
Location: Nr Kenilworth
Quote:
I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy b*****d" I shouted, through gritted teeth
:lol: I love that humour :thumbsup:

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 8:11 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2014 10:02 pm
Posts: 2128
Location: Nr Kenilworth
Quote:
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't p*ss out of it,' he replied.
Brilliant :) I'm not the only one that thinks doctors receptionists are bitches lol

Tony

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:55 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 9:59 am
Posts: 1506
Location: Coventry
A lorry carrying snooker equipment crashed on the M25..

The drivers under a rest and the cues go back miles

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1966 Triumph 1300 Royal Blue
1966 Triumph 2000 Blue
1965 Triumph 2000 black and rust
1967 BSA B40wd green
2018 Jaguar E pace 2018
NOBODY expects the Canley Inquisition!


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 8:31 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2006 7:12 pm
Posts: 592
Location: Surrey
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad away!

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1500 MG Midget
Absence of a Dolly or Tolly at the moment.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 9:26 am 
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Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 336
Location: NSW. Australia
Two Blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.

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"Little difficulties are made to swell until they fill our horizon, while the real big blessings of life are dwindled down to nothing".. HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.
Member #2018011


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2018 10:18 am 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
For our friends north of the border.....

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime. Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:03 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:52 pm
Posts: 7571
Location: Halifax, West Yorkshire
A blonde is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes so she dyes her hair a different colour. One day as she's driving along in the countryside she comes across a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She says to the shepherd,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have can I have one of them?" The shepherd agrees to this and the blonde says,
"You've got 279 sheep."
"That's exactly right," says the shepherd. "Pick any sheep you like." The blonde picks black & white fluffy one. The shepherd turns round to the blonde.
"If I can guess your natural hair colour, can I have my sheepdog back?"

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Toledo Man

West Yorkshire Area Organiser & forum moderator
Meetings take place on the 1st Wednesday of every month at The Hollies Sports & Social Club, 12 Hough Lane, Bramley, Leeds, LS13 3NE
1972 Dolomite 1850 auto (NYE 751L - The rolling restoration)
2008 Citroën C4 Grand Picasso 2.0 HDi Exclusive (MA08 WCL - the modern)
2004 Volkswagen Polo Twist (PK54 JYG - a new project car)
Former stable of SAY 414M (1974 Toledo), GRH 244D (1966 1300fwd), CDB 324L (1973 1500fwd), GGN 573J (1971 1500fwd), DCP 625S (1977 Dolomite 1300) & LCG 367N (1975 Dolomite Sprint) plus 5 Acclaims and that's just the Triumphs!

Check my blog at http://triumphtoledo.blogspot.com

"There is only one way to avoid criticsm: do nothing, say nothing and be nothing." Aristotle


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:52 pm 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 485
Location: NANTWICH.
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre....

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