The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:27 pm 
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Location: West Yorks
OK I feel culpable for this thread even starting so thought I should contribute.

Just back from Thailand where I came so close to having it off with a lady boy.
Looked like a lady
Walked like a lady
Talked like a lady
Kissed like a lady
It was only when she drove me home and reversed the car into the garage first time perfectly.
I thought hang on a minute!!!

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Trevor

75 Sprint in Magenta called GunGaDiN GGD944N
2008 X-type 2.0D SE


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:39 pm 
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Location: NANTWICH.
Thats the spirit Trevor :D It seems to be going down well this thread 8) 8)

Tony.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 4:52 pm 
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Location: NANTWICH.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2018 7:00 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2006 7:12 pm
Posts: 592
Location: Surrey
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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Absence of a Dolly or Tolly at the moment.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2018 12:24 pm 
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Went round to see my mate "olympic flame steve" last night . He has agoraphobia and never goes out .

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 10:17 am 
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a Difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of The cows had something white at its rear end.'

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball With my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's Arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks Like yours!''

I don't remember much after that.


Memo, If you must play golf? Dont play with wife :(

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2018 12:50 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:45 pm
Posts: 1261
Location: East Lothian, Scotland
We have had terrible trouble with our chickens making a real mess of our lawn. So, I decided to get some Astroturf. Now it’s impeccable!

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 11:08 am 
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night when she said "You've got the biggest penis that I've ever laid my hands on" I replied "Give over, you're pulling my leg".

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2018 10:50 pm 
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Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly sh*t myself. I looked again saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked a Chinese guy behind the counter "what the bloody hell was going on here?" He said "you no worry it Peking duck "


I'll get my coat.........

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 5:26 pm 
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Quote:
Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly sh*t myself. I looked again saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked a Chinese guy behind the counter "what the bloody hell was going on here?" He said "you no worry it Peking duck "


I'll get my coat.........
:lol: That's truly awful.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2018 5:43 pm 
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:33 pm 
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I've just been mugged at Tesco, reported it to the police, they asked if I got a good look at the mugger & could I give an accurate description. "Yeah it was pump no 3!"


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:29 pm 
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Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?" "Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:21 pm 
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Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "


Shall i get my coat again.........

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2018 3:23 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 520
Location: NANTWICH.
Sorry :shock:


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