The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 11:03 am 
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Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.
They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his Knee's and suck it. The Barman go's berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm p*ssed.
How do you think i feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!?

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 8:50 pm 
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Location: Harrow Middlesex
Quote:
Paddy and Murphy fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says are You mad? Now we're skint! Come on says Paddy follow Me.
They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his Knee's and suck it. The Barman go's berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm p*ssed.
How do you think i feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!?
:D :D


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2018 10:11 pm 
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Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog sh*t, 20 feet back."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 9:20 am 
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Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
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Posts: 4813
Location: hampshire
Woman tells her doctor that she wants less wrinkles on her face to make her look younger.
Doctor says "I can fit a knob which tightens the skin if you like and it sits beneath your hair at the back of your head and a simple twist occasionally will make you look years younger"
"That sounds good will you do it for me"? She replied.
"just one thing do not use it too often" he warned her.
Six months pass and she is back asking "doctor I seem to have these bags appearing under my eyes, can you see" "ah yes those are actually your breasts because you have been using the knob too much" he told her, and then he asked if any thing else bothered her. She said "well I was going to ask you about the beard that is on my chin but I don't think I will now!"

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 5:07 pm 
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John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke…………….. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your spares collection and that stupid Dolomite.” John got a horrified look on his face. She said”Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” John replied: “I wasn’t.”

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 7:29 pm 
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Quote:
John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke…………….. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your spares collection and that stupid Dolomite.” John got a horrified look on his face. She said”Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” John replied: “I wasn’t.”
:lol: Brilliant


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2018 10:21 pm 
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IKEA has been accused of evading over £500m in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after IKEA for years, but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2018 3:04 pm 
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Paddy was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach
Every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
The breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to lonely Paddy.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, Paddy started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2018 2:05 pm 
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Paddy is sat having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard. Paddy exclaims "Bejeezus Morph, what the hell have you got there, looks like some mad kind of swivel eyed dinosaur type of thing?" Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies "He's a Chameleon." Paddy lowers his head to the table until he's almost nose to nose with the animal and says "Go on then, tell me a joke!"

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 Post subject: Ha ha....
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2018 2:15 pm 
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Location: Caithness, Scotland
Quote:
Quote:
John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke…………….. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your spares collection and that stupid Dolomite.” John got a horrified look on his face. She said”Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “There, for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” John replied: “I wasn’t.”
:lol: Brilliant
+1 :lol:



Ian.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2018 1:09 pm 
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:27 pm 
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..? 'What's that..?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - really excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',. So I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake"..?

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 1:06 pm 
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I had an uncle who had the most bizarre fixation back in the day- he would drink brake fluid. Maybe back in those days it was less toxic than it is today, because he never expired of it, but we were always worried about him doing it.

I remember one time my dad told him that he was addicted and needed to cut it out, that it was bad for him.

My uncle replied “Nonsense, I can stop anytime.”

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 7:39 pm 
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Location: Harrow Middlesex
Quote:
I had an uncle who had the most bizarre fixation back in the day- he would drink brake fluid. Maybe back in those days it was less toxic than it is today, because he never expired of it, but we were always worried about him doing it.

I remember one time my dad told him that he was addicted and needed to cut it out, that it was bad for him.

My uncle replied “Nonsense, I can stop anytime.”
there getting corny,but still funny :D


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:10 pm 
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Location: NANTWICH.
Someone left a huge box of "Lego" outside my front door last night...... I dont know what to make of it?

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