The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 10:13 am 
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Location: NANTWICH.
As I sat in the living room my 5 year-old shouted at me from the back door. "I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said. Again, he shouted back. "I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied. A few moments later my son appeared in the living room. "Dad, I've got dog sh*t all over my shoes."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 2:47 pm 
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Location: NANTWICH.
I've just bought shares in a cement factory in Devon. I've put my money in Brixham Mortar

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2019 11:30 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
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Location: NANTWICH.
Anyone bored today?? :D


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2019 6:18 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:52 pm
Posts: 7628
Location: Halifax, West Yorkshire
I saw a blonde staring intently at a bottle of cordial. I asked her what she was doing. She said that the bottle said "Concentrate" on the label.

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Toledo Man

West Yorkshire Area Organiser & forum moderator
Meetings take place on the first Wednesday of the month at 8.00pm at The Old Brickworks, Wakefield Road, Drighlington, Bradford, BD11 1EA
1972 Dolomite 1850 auto (NYE 751L - The rolling restoration)
2008 Citroën C4 Grand Picasso 2.0 HDi Exclusive (MA08 WCL - the workhorse)
1995 BMW 318i (M265 PNC - Project Bimmer, the weekend car)
1991 Toyota Celica GT (J481 ONB - the new project car)
Former stable of SAY 414M (1974 Toledo), GRH 244D (1966 1300fwd), CDB 324L (1973 1500fwd), GGN 573J (1971 1500fwd), DCP 625S (1977 Dolomite 1300) & LCG 367N (1975 Dolomite Sprint) plus 5 Acclaims and that's just the Triumphs!

Check my blog at http://triumphtoledo.blogspot.com

"There is only one way to avoid criticsm: do nothing, say nothing and BE nothing." Aristotle


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2019 5:53 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
I've just bought the latest, most expensive sex doll on the market, they even say you can't tell it from the real thing. It came yesterday, so I unpacked it, charged it up and switched it on. Guess what? She said she had a headache....

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2019 8:55 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:52 pm
Posts: 2041
Red-Tarmac-Road meets Grey-Tarmac-Road for an evening pint in the pub.

Just then Green-Tarmac-Road staggers in and spills Red-Tarmac-Road's beer all over the floor.

" Aren't you going to smack him" Grey-Tarmac-Road enquires ?

"No"; he says. "Not a chance."

"He's a cycle path "


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed May 15, 2019 6:46 am 
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TDC West Yorks Area Organiser
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Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:52 pm
Posts: 7628
Location: Halifax, West Yorkshire
In a similar vein:

Two cigarette packets are talking and one says to the other:
"Watch that green cigarette packet. He's menthol."

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Toledo Man

West Yorkshire Area Organiser & forum moderator
Meetings take place on the first Wednesday of the month at 8.00pm at The Old Brickworks, Wakefield Road, Drighlington, Bradford, BD11 1EA
1972 Dolomite 1850 auto (NYE 751L - The rolling restoration)
2008 Citroën C4 Grand Picasso 2.0 HDi Exclusive (MA08 WCL - the workhorse)
1995 BMW 318i (M265 PNC - Project Bimmer, the weekend car)
1991 Toyota Celica GT (J481 ONB - the new project car)
Former stable of SAY 414M (1974 Toledo), GRH 244D (1966 1300fwd), CDB 324L (1973 1500fwd), GGN 573J (1971 1500fwd), DCP 625S (1977 Dolomite 1300) & LCG 367N (1975 Dolomite Sprint) plus 5 Acclaims and that's just the Triumphs!

Check my blog at http://triumphtoledo.blogspot.com

"There is only one way to avoid criticsm: do nothing, say nothing and BE nothing." Aristotle


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2019 10:18 am 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
Old iris had a colourful life she married her first husband and had 5 kids with him but unfortunately he died, she then married her second husband and had 7 kids but he also died, then she married her third husband and had 4 more kids but then he also died. Finallly she died at the good age of 83 and at the funeral the priest said “it’s good to finally see them back together”. One of the people at the funeral turned to the other and said “does he mean the first husband, the second or the third” The other person replied “ I think he means her legs”.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue May 28, 2019 9:40 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
Went to what I thought was a christening but halfway through the vicar tipped a load of cr*p tasting lager over the poor baby. Turns out he was being fostered.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed May 29, 2019 8:18 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
A guy is driving his Audi along a country road when it suddenly breaks down. Engine has totally died. He calls a tow truck and it takes him and his car to a small garage. Mechanic opens up the hood and says "zis is not ein problem. I vill have zis car repaired in ten minuten!" The mechanic walks over to an old spring mattress, cuts it open, and removes 4 springs. He then nonchalantly throws them under the bonnet. Next he steps outside, walks over to a small pond, and grabs a duck as it's passing by. He takes the duck over to the Audi, throws it in next to the 4 springs, and closes the hood. He says to the driver "okay, try your engine". The driver is thinking "s##t, I'm with the local village idiot...", but decides to play along and turns the ignition key. To his amazement, the engine starts first time! He says to the driver "Wow! That is amazing! How on earth did you get the engine to run with that unorthodox method?" The mechanic replies: "Four spring duck technique, as ve say in Germany"

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:20 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
A woman goes into a police station and reports that a man has exposed himself to her. The officer asked what happened, she explained "I was going to the shops when a car pulled over and a man beckoned me over to his window, he asked me for directions to the nearest post office, as I spoke He started grinning then I saw he had his bloody thing in his hand" The officer could see the the woman was in some distress, he said gently "sorry I need to ask you, was he in a state of arousal?" She sobbed " no I think it was a Ford focus.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2019 10:06 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
Cleaning a Toilet (from a dog's perspective)
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate. You may need to stand on the lid and give the cat time to make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people or animals between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:25 am 
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Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
Old age.......... :(


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2019 2:13 pm 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 680
Location: NANTWICH.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off :shock: :shock: I think i'm being stalked....

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