The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
It is currently Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:40 pm

All times are UTC




Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 228 posts ]  Go to page Previous 112 13 14 15 16 Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2019 5:53 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
I walked into Curry's and asked for a chest freezer I said it had to be big enough to hold two dead bodies. So I ordered one and left. When I got home the police were waiting for me, "Ha, good afternoon officers, " I said, "I do hope you're here about the burglary I reported three weeks ago. "

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 11:44 am 
Offline
TDC West Yorks Area Organiser
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:52 pm
Posts: 7676
Location: Halifax, West Yorkshire
A married couple decide to celebrate their anniversary by having a 3-course meal in a local restaurant. The waiter serves the starter with his thumb in the soup. The husband wants to say something but his wife stops him.
The same waiter brings out the main course and he has his thumb in the gravy. Again, the husband wants to say something but the wife stops him.
When the waiter serves the dessert (apple pie and custard), he has his thumb in the custard. The husband still wants to say something but the wife won't let him.
When they're having coffee and mints, the husband finds the waiter and takes him to one side.
"I noticed that when you were serving us, you had your thumb in the soup, you had your thumb in the gravy and you had your thumb in the custard. What' going on?".
"I've got arthritis and the doctor says I've got to keep it warm."
"Well why don't you stick it in your arse?"
"I do when I'm in the kitchen."


A duck goes into a pub and orders a pint of lager. The barman is amazed that a talking duck has come into the pub and he serves the duck. The two of them get talking.
"Do you see that circus over the road? I reckon they'd be intereted in having you join them."
"I don't know what the f*ck they'd want with a plasterer," said the duck.

_________________
Toledo Man

West Yorkshire Area Organiser & forum moderator
Meetings take place on the first Wednesday of the month at 8.00pm at The Old Brickworks, Wakefield Road, Drighlington, Bradford, BD11 1EA
1972 Dolomite 1850 auto (NYE 751L - The rolling restoration)
2008 Citroën C4 Grand Picasso 2.0 HDi Exclusive (MA08 WCL - the workhorse)
1995 BMW 318i (M265 PNC - Project Bimmer, the weekend car)
1991 Toyota Celica GT (J481 ONB - the new project car)
Former stable of SAY 414M (1974 Toledo), GRH 244D (1966 1300fwd), CDB 324L (1973 1500fwd), GGN 573J (1971 1500fwd), DCP 625S (1977 Dolomite 1300) & LCG 367N (1975 Dolomite Sprint) plus 5 Acclaims and that's just the Triumphs!

Check my blog at http://triumphtoledo.blogspot.com

"There is only one way to avoid criticsm: do nothing, say nothing and BE nothing." Aristotle


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 08, 2019 1:37 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
:lol: :lol: :lol: Love the duck one.

Tony.

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 4:53 am 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 415
Location: NSW. Australia
Pete, at 82 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Missy.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me??”
Margaret at age 78 looked him over and replied, "Nope.?
Frustrated as all get out, Pete stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Pete, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!”
Furious, Pete yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.”

_________________
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 9:45 pm 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 415
Location: NSW. Australia
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
"We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

_________________
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 9:52 pm 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 415
Location: NSW. Australia
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz"
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you, when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School ?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a s##t?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"

_________________
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 1:35 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
Just got an email saying I'd won a rod, reel and some floats, but they needed my home address to mail them to me. It was obviously just phishing.

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:30 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
A man is sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals in Japan but, amazingly, there’s an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: “Do you mind if I sit here, it is a much better seat than mine?” “No, not at all,” replies the first man. “It’s my wife’s seat, but she died recently." "I'm so sorry for your loss" says the second man. A short while later, out of curiosity he asks “So why didn’t you ask one of your other family members to come with you?” “I did," replied the first man, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral!”

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 11:49 am 
Offline
TDC West Yorks Area Organiser
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:52 pm
Posts: 7676
Location: Halifax, West Yorkshire
The king of Tonga is on a state visit to the UK. While accompanying the Queen who is inspecing the Scots Guards, one of the horses lets out a massive fart.
"Sorry about that," said the Queen.
"Oh, I thought it was the horse," said the king of Tonga.

_________________
Toledo Man

West Yorkshire Area Organiser & forum moderator
Meetings take place on the first Wednesday of the month at 8.00pm at The Old Brickworks, Wakefield Road, Drighlington, Bradford, BD11 1EA
1972 Dolomite 1850 auto (NYE 751L - The rolling restoration)
2008 Citroën C4 Grand Picasso 2.0 HDi Exclusive (MA08 WCL - the workhorse)
1995 BMW 318i (M265 PNC - Project Bimmer, the weekend car)
1991 Toyota Celica GT (J481 ONB - the new project car)
Former stable of SAY 414M (1974 Toledo), GRH 244D (1966 1300fwd), CDB 324L (1973 1500fwd), GGN 573J (1971 1500fwd), DCP 625S (1977 Dolomite 1300) & LCG 367N (1975 Dolomite Sprint) plus 5 Acclaims and that's just the Triumphs!

Check my blog at http://triumphtoledo.blogspot.com

"There is only one way to avoid criticsm: do nothing, say nothing and BE nothing." Aristotle


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 1:50 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
Guinness.


Attachments:
IMG-20191015-WA0001.jpg
IMG-20191015-WA0001.jpg [ 39.07 KiB | Viewed 300 times ]

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:
Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 5:20 am 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 415
Location: NSW. Australia
"$5.37! "
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

_________________
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 5:23 am 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:47 am
Posts: 415
Location: NSW. Australia
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend,
"Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said,
"We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said,
"Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said,
"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said,
"You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said,
"A Doberman?"
The woman said,
"Yes, they're using them now.
They're very good."
The bouncer said,
"OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,
"What the heck,"
so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said,
"You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said,
"A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ?
They gave me a damn Chihuahua ?!"

_________________
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2019 9:53 am 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
A farm horse gets stuck in a muddy hole in a field he shouts to the chickens to get the farmer to pull him out .
The farmer is away so one of the chickens drives the farmers ferrari over ropes up the horse and pulls him to safety ..
A few days later, a chicken falls in the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says "Grab for my d*ck and pull yourself up", the chicken does and pulls himself out to safety.
And the moral of the story is

If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a ferrari to pick up chicks!

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 11:15 am 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
I called my boss and told him I couldn't make it to work today because the wind had blown leaves onto my car in the night. "So? Just wipe them off." he said. "Well, they're still attached to the tree." I replied.

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 11:22 am 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts: 798
Location: NANTWICH.
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Dublin. "Where did you get that from?", the expert asks. "It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's an heirloom", says Paddy. "Do you have insurance?", asks the expert. "No , should I?" asks Paddy. "Yeah", says the expert, "it's your water tank."

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 228 posts ]  Go to page Previous 112 13 14 15 16 Next

All times are UTC


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Limited