The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Thu Aug 27, 2020 12:48 am 
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

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"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Fri Aug 28, 2020 9:57 am 
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Location:NANTWICH.
They were sat together on the couch, their legs entwined.
He ran a hand delicately across her breasts, his fingers grazing a nipple.
Then he continued down over her stomach, towards her crotch.
He paused and gently probed between her upper thighs.
She sighed
He let out a small grunt of satisfaction.
Then suddenly he turned away from her.
“Why did you stop ?” She begged.
“I found the remote control” he replied.......and then he turned on Match of The Day.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Aug 31, 2020 11:09 am 
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Location:NANTWICH.
The phrase 'Jesus wept' was invented when the messiah banged his thumb with a hammer whilst building a chair in his dad's workshop. They thought it was better to say he was crying than be factually correct I mean, Jesus said “ b*llocks that f*cking hurt!” doesn't quite have the same ring to it

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 Post subject: A Helping Hand
PostPosted:Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:15 am 
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Joined:Fri May 31, 2013 1:22 pm
Posts:369
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Aintree Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other:

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to them to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said. "You must be in Grade 3?"

"No ma'am." He replied. "I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Buss Ride
PostPosted:Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:17 am 
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Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all brunettes', charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London:

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

"Whats going on up here?" Asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

"Yeah." Screams a terrified blonde. "But you've got a driver!"


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 Post subject: Re: Indian Mating Season
PostPosted:Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:31 am 
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Posts:369
Two Indians and an Anthropologist from an Irish University studying Native American customs were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Anthropologist was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied. "No, It is our custom during the mating season that when Indian men see a cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."

Then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped and hollered. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" From deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Anthropologist wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hey, man! Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might. :Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO,

WOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

.

.

.

NAKED VISITING SCIENTIST RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Tue Sep 01, 2020 11:44 am 
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Location:NANTWICH.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Tue Sep 01, 2020 4:21 pm 
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Location:NANTWICH.
There’s one place that I just can’t stand.

My local ice rink.

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 Post subject: Re: The Buss Ride
PostPosted:Wed Sep 02, 2020 12:11 am 
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Posts:450
Location:NSW. Australia
Quote:
"Yeah." Screams a terrified blonde. "But you've got a driver!"
Ohhh, that is good.

_________________
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it". HENRY FORD
1915 Ford "T" Speedster (Evangeline), 1921 Ford "T" Tourer (Anastasia), 1955 Zephyr 6 (Purdey), 1975 Dolomite SPRINT (Daisy), & a couple of moderns.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Sun Sep 06, 2020 9:03 am 
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Location:NANTWICH.
I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.
"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you," the landlord said, "In this pub I want you to act as you would thirty or forty years ago."
So I lit a cigarette, gave him £1 for the pint and said, "No problem mate."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Sep 07, 2020 2:32 pm 
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As I picked up a bottle of pumpkin seed oil in the salad dressing aisle, my girlfriend said "no, get the sesame one."

"Why?" I asked.

She replied "it'll be easier to open."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Wed Sep 09, 2020 9:33 am 
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
Grumpy then says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy sh*gged a penguin!'
'Grumpy sh*gged a penguin."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Thu Sep 10, 2020 4:06 pm 
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Location:NANTWICH.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Opportunist: Drinks both glasses while the other two idiots are arguing about it.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Sep 14, 2020 10:18 am 
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Location:NANTWICH.
I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed and the rotten sod has done a bunk.

Tony.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:07 pm 
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Joined:Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:42 pm
Posts:4101
Location:Forest of Dean
Class :lol:

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1978 Pageant Sprint - the rustomite, 1972 Spitfire IV - sprintfire project, 1968 Valencia GT6 II - little Blue, 1980 Vermillion 1500HL - resting. 1974 Sienna 1500TC, Mrs Weevils big brown.


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