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JOKE OF THE DAY
http://forum.triumphdolomite.co.uk/viewtopic.php?t=35452		 Page 17 of 32
Author:  dollyman [ Fri Jan 17, 2020 11:29 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
I won a ticket to a celebrity livestock auction not long ago, anyway I bought a lovely little lamb as a pet for my daughter. As I was looking around with it under my arm I couldn't believe I saw Boris Johnson talking to Joaquin Phoenix, turned out to be quite sociable chaps so I pushed my luck and asked for a picture to which they agreed. I couldn't believe it, there I was, clown to the left of me, joker to the right, there I was stuck in the middle with ewe.
Author:  Toledo Man [ Sat Jan 18, 2020 3:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest didn't think it was a problem.
Author:  dollyman [ Mon Jan 20, 2020 12:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
I went to a friend's wedding and whispered to a guy next to me, "The bride is a right ugly moose." "Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about." "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father." "I'm not. I'm her mother."
Author:  dollyman [ Wed Jan 22, 2020 8:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
My Chinese pal Sum Ting & I are obsessed with Sandie Shaw songs & always sing them on Karaoke nights.... So if I ever forget the lyrics, there's always Sum Ting there to remind me
Author:  Toledo Man [ Mon Jan 27, 2020 7:31 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
I was chatting up a beautiful woman in a bar and I asked her what her name was.
"My name is Carmen because I like cars and men."
"Pleased to meet you. My name is Lagershag."

2 flies on a turd. One says to the other.
"I haven't seen you for ages."
"Yeah, I've been on the sick."
Author:  yorkshire_spam [ Mon Jan 27, 2020 7:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
To celebrate their time at Oxford boating on the river Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg have decided to publish a book about how to restore the boats they loved so much. "Care of Punts" coming soon!
Author:  dollyman [ Thu Jan 30, 2020 11:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
A group of Martians land on Earth and are having a chat with the Pope in the Vatican. “So, says the Pope, have you guys heard of Jesus? “Sure, said the Martians. He drops by two or three times a year.” “What? He hasn’t been here for two millennia, says the Pope. How is it he comes to you so much? The Martian says, “We think it’s the chocolate.” “Chocolate, says the Pope” “Yeh, we go around and collect the best chocolate from our confectioners and give it to him when he is leaving.” “Why, said the Martian?” “What did you guys do with him the last time he visited?”
Author:  dollyman [ Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
Talk about coincidence - BBC NEWS: Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition....

Can't believe they all had the same name....
Author:  Toledo Man [ Mon Feb 03, 2020 6:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
A man called Simon had to have his legs amputated. The same hospital had pioneered a leg transplant procedure and a suitable donor had been found in the shape of Simon's uncle who had just died and donated his body to medical research. Simon is now doing a tribute act under the name of "Simon and Half Uncle".
Author:  dollyman [ Wed Feb 05, 2020 12:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
Ikea to close the doors on it's Coventry store.

Yeah, right, have you ever tried to close the doors on anything from Ikea?
Author:  dollyman [ Mon Feb 10, 2020 7:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
In a belated attempt to jump on the bandwagon and boost their meagre retirement funds, The Knack have hurriedly released an updated version of their late 70s hit ‘My Sharona’. The song will be released online, on 7 inch vinyl and cassette tape to encompass their entire (somewhat aged) fan base. A spokesman for the record company said the new song, entitled ‘My Corona’ was “a re-imagined take on the original hit and in the current climate it would no doubt be a viral hit”
Author:  RobSun [ Fri Feb 21, 2020 1:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Exam Failed
A STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM - AND HOW HE DID IT!

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?

* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can someone go eight days withoutsleeping?

* No problem just sleeps at night

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Borrowed from another site.
Author:  Sundowner [ Sat Feb 22, 2020 9:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat darn truck!
Author:  dollyman [ Sun Feb 23, 2020 12:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
All my life I've dreamed about living in a big house in the countryside, never having to worry about putting food on the table, having time to read or pursue my hobbies, just hanging out with other people like me. Finally my dream has come true. The judge sent me down for a 10 stretch.
Author:  Toledo Man [ Mon Feb 24, 2020 7:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
A paper bag goes to the doctor's for his test results.
"it is bad news," said the doctor. "You've got AIDS."
"That's impossible", said the paper bag. "I've never had sex or a blood transfusion."
"Your parents must've been carriers."

What's the hardest part of a penguin to eat? The wrapper.

An Englishman, Irishman and an American are on the lash in New York. The American says,
"I'll bet you I can jump off the top of the Empire State Building, fly around in the air and land safely."
"Prove it," said the Irishman. They go up to the top of the Empire State. The American jumps off, flies through the air and lands safely. The Irishman jumps off, plummets to the ground and is killed instantly.
The Englishman says to the American.
"Superman, you can be a right b'stard when you've had a few."
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