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JOKE OF THE DAY
http://forum.triumphdolomite.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=35452
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Author:  dollyman [ Thu Oct 18, 2018 10:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

NEWSFLASH

Captain Kirk sacks his chief engineer...............

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Author:  xvivalve [ Thu Oct 18, 2018 10:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

I went to the pharmacists yesterday to get some pile cream. Unable to find it I asked the assistant, who told me it was on the bottom shelf!

Author:  dollyman [ Fri Oct 19, 2018 10:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock.

Author:  MagentaSprint [ Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Author:  dollyman [ Sat Oct 20, 2018 8:09 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

A guy goes to the top floor of the empire state building. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. Another guy goes to the bar and orders a drink also. The two men strike up a conversation. The first guy says to the second guy ... Did you know if you jump out the window you will pop right back inside because the updraft is so strong? The second guy says ... No way, I don't believe that. The first guy says ... For a hundred dollars I'll jump out the window and show you. The second guy pulls out a hundred dollars and plops it on the bar. So they go to the window and the first guy jumps out the window and pops right back in. The second guy in disbelief says ... I can't believe I just saw that. The first guy says ... For another hundred dollars I'll do it again. The second guy pulls out another hundred bucks and once again plops it on the bar. Again, the go to the window and again the first guy jumps out the window and pops back inside again. The second guy says ... That's amazing, I've got to try that. So they go to the window and the second guy jumps out the window and plummets to the sidewalk below to his death, splat. The first guy goes back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender says ... You know superman, you can be real b*****d when you've had drink.

Author:  Triumph1300 [ Sat Oct 20, 2018 8:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Author:  Triumph1300 [ Sat Oct 20, 2018 11:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

Author:  dollyman [ Sat Oct 20, 2018 9:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left t*t! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.

Author:  dollyman [ Sun Oct 21, 2018 3:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Went for a run in the car today and got stuck behind a bloody cyclist for nearly an hour......

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Author:  dollyman [ Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road. You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.

Author:  dollyman [ Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

A father say's to his son on the eve of his wedding.

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life" "But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad" "I know, son"

Author:  Toledo Man [ Tue Oct 23, 2018 5:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

A rabbi and a priest are involved in a head-on collision. Both cars are totally wrecked but the rabbi and priest walk away unscathed. The rabbi says.
"This is a sign from God. He intended for us to be friends." A whisky bottle rolls out from the wreckage undamaged. The priest picks it up.
"Let us seal our friendship with a drink." The priest opens the bottle and takes a swig. He offers it to the rabbi.
"No thanks. I'll wait until the police get here."

Author:  dollyman [ Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Me and my two mates were captured by female savages. We were told our d*cks would be removed in a manner appropriate to our jobs Dave was a lumberjack so his was chopped off. Mike was a butcher so his was sliced off. Then I started laughing..they shouted what's funny. I said I work for Dyson.

Author:  Karlos [ Tue Oct 23, 2018 5:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Oh dear, how low will this thread go...

Author:  dollyman [ Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Quote:
Oh dear, how low will this thread go...
Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.

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