The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 1:36 pm

All times are UTC




Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 469 posts ]  Go to page Previous 15 6 7 8 932 Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:27 pm 
Offline
TDC Member

Joined: Wed Aug 24, 2011 8:09 pm
Posts: 306
Location: West Yorks
OK I feel culpable for this thread even starting so thought I should contribute.

Just back from Thailand where I came so close to having it off with a lady boy.
Looked like a lady
Walked like a lady
Talked like a lady
Kissed like a lady
It was only when she drove me home and reversed the car into the garage first time perfectly.
I thought hang on a minute!!!

_________________
Trevor

75 Sprint in Magenta called GunGaDiN GGD944N
2017 Jaguar XE R-sport


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:39 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Thats the spirit Trevor :D It seems to be going down well this thread 8) 8)

Tony.

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 4:52 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2018 7:00 pm 
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2018 12:24 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Went round to see my mate "olympic flame steve" last night . He has agoraphobia and never goes out .

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 10:17 am 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a Difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of The cows had something white at its rear end.'

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball With my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's Arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks Like yours!''

I don't remember much after that.


Memo, If you must play golf? Dont play with wife :(

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2018 12:50 pm 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!
User avatar

Joined: Wed Oct 04, 2006 7:45 pm
Posts: 1282
Location: East Lothian, Scotland
We have had terrible trouble with our chickens making a real mess of our lawn. So, I decided to get some Astroturf. Now it’s impeccable!

_________________
1959 TR3A, 1970 Triumph 1300, 1974 Toledo
Image Thanks Photobucket :(


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2018 11:08 am 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night when she said "You've got the biggest penis that I've ever laid my hands on" I replied "Give over, you're pulling my leg".

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2018 10:50 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly sh*t myself. I looked again saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked a Chinese guy behind the counter "what the bloody hell was going on here?" He said "you no worry it Peking duck "


I'll get my coat.........

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2018 5:26 pm 
Offline
TDC Member

Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2016 9:00 pm
Posts: 1014
Quote:
Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly sh*t myself. I looked again saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked a Chinese guy behind the counter "what the bloody hell was going on here?" He said "you no worry it Peking duck "


I'll get my coat.........
:lol: That's truly awful.


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2018 5:43 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:33 pm 
Offline
Future Club member hopefully!
Future Club member hopefully!

Joined: Sat Oct 21, 2017 3:54 pm
Posts: 85
I've just been mugged at Tesco, reported it to the police, they asked if I got a good look at the mugger & could I give an accurate description. "Yeah it was pump no 3!"


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:29 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?" "Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic.

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:21 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "


Shall i get my coat again.........

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:


Top
   
 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2018 3:23 pm 
Offline
TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 6:28 pm
Posts: 1405
Location: NANTWICH.
Sorry :shock:


Attachments:
10357.jpg
10357.jpg [ 51.31 KiB | Viewed 2581 times ]

_________________
NOW A CLUB MEMBER 2017057 :bluewave:
Top
   
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 469 posts ]  Go to page Previous 15 6 7 8 932 Next

All times are UTC


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: AhrefsBot [Bot] and 13 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Limited