JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

STAY AWAY FROM TEIGNMOUTH SEAFRONT
Witnessed totally disgusting behavior on the beach at Teignmouth seafront yesterday. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him once on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!..........

[new to this]

STAY AWAY FROM TEIGNMOUTH SEAFRONT
Witnessed totally disgusting behavior on the beach at Teignmouth seafront yesterday. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him once on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!..........

That ones so bad

[dollyman]

I was eating an ice-cream in town yesterday when I noticed a lad with a bright green mohican and Sex Pistols tattoos about to go into the bookies. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I shouted at him to stop. When he looked round, I pointed my Magnum at him and said, "You've got to ask yourself one question... Do you feel lucky, punk?"

[dollyman]

I watched a street entertainer contort his whole body into a small suitcase and asked him if he could teach me how to do it.
He's going to try and squeeze me in on Monday.

[dollyman]

A bloke knocked on my door this morning asking if i'd be interested in climbing Everest for charity. An hour later there was someone else selling ice cubes followed by a guy offering cheap chest freezers. Then a women came up and said she had some great deals on skiing holidays. Bloody cold callers ruined my morning.

[dollyman]

I've been trying to get loads done this morning but I've just been going round in circles.

Bloody steering wheel's locked again.

[dollyman]

I was walking past a building site when a bucket full of plaster fell on someone.

Poor bloke was rendered unconscious.

[MIG Wielder]

Bloke is on holiday in Scotland and naturally visits some of the old historic castles and houses.
He gets a guided tour around the first one and is most impressed with his knowledge and history.
At the end of the tour he asks the tour guide…
" Do you ever see any ghosts here. It's quite spooky in some of those rooms"
" No " replies the guide, " " There aren't any ghosts around here."
" That's good said the visitor. "
"By the way, how long have you been doing this job" he asks.
"About 300 years " was the reply.

[dollyman]

I got a book at the charity shop titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

[Mad Mart]

I got a book at the charity shop titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

[dollyman]

Out of the blue my wife just screamed at me.."You have absolutely no sense of direction do you".?? I was like, where did that come from.??

[Mad Mart]

Stop it, you keep making me laugh.

[dollyman]

Stop it, you keep making me laugh.

Sorry Mart, no can do

Once upon a time there lived a German named Hans. Every weekday morning he would go fishing. After catching a fish he would smack it against a rock to make sure it was dead. Then in the afternoon , he would do his main work as a school health visitor. His speciality was curing acne using milk. Hence the song # Now Hans who kills fishes can heal spots on your face with some white cream dairy liquid !!#

[dollyman]

A man was taking a group of young adults with learning difficulties on a day out to a theme park. On the way back they stop at a pub for a few drinks. He walks up to the landlord at the bar. "Hi i'm the team leader of the support group. They have learning difficulties so they can struggle with things like money. They might try and pay for the drinks with Jam Jar lids or milk bottle tops. Just go along with it, let them have the drinks and i'll settle the bill at the end. They're having a good time and the drinks are flowing. The bell rings for closing time and they all get back on to the coach to go home. The barman calls over the team leader as he's about to leave. "Excuse me but you haven't paid the bill. Your group had a lot of drinks and I accepted the milk bottle tops and jam jar lids like you said".
" Oh yes sorry, thanks for doing that and reminding me".
"Now have you got change for a dustbin lid".

[dollyman]

A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel. They start to undress and he says, “God, I never realised that your tits were this small.” The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out. While he is sitting in the lobby another guy comes down the hall. The first man said, “Hey, What happened?” “Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, ‘Oh I never knew your arse was that big.’ and she threw me out just like that. Just then a third guy, also on his wedding night, comes storming into the lobby. “Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?” ask the first two men. “No,” says the third guy, “but I bloody well could have.”