Off Topic

[Mad Mart]

You've almost caught me JPB.

[JPB]

If a certain annoying and spectacularly ignorant little twunt with a fish fetish calls the TDC enquiry line again and uses up two full minutes of the club's calling credit by forcing me to retrieve one of his silent "messages", I'm going to have to insert his ugliest and most spiky specimen where the sun doesn't shine!

Bloody Napoleon complex, that's the trouble with you, Ron!

[JPB]

Deuce!

[Martian]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

[marty dolomite]

Heard on a local radio station after the traffic report.

'And finally a word for all the familys off on their caravaning holiday............ WHY?'

[Oli_88]

"Nothing wrong with the fuel pump as there's fuel getting to the filter mate, it's got to be an electrical problem"

Why is it then, that yesterday upon having a play about with our Vivaro, there was no fuel pressure at all, no warning lights, no fault codes and with easy start down it's throat, it coughed into life a few times...

So it's sat in that garages yard for 8 months, even though I told them what the problem was before they even got it there... Urgh.

[Martian]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor did the same but nothing happened. Finally the doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you'

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[james_r_lucas]

Now has everything installed for a dual battery system in the 1300, except the second battery

[tinweevil]

Finished my last contract 2 hours ago.
Start my next contract in 15 hours.

Nowt special about starting a new job the day after you finish the old one?
Except that these jobs are 3500 miles apart.
Oh and I'll be paid for 10 of the intervening 17 hours.

Oh I'm a contractor and I'm OK, I work all night and I work all day...

[marty dolomite]

[Spunkymonkey]

Fuel saving tip: let a brake pipe burst so you have to avoid using them for the rest of your trip for an instant 10% improvement in mpg

[Oli_88]

I have now had my drivers license for two years.
Hooray for me!

[Martian]

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

[Martian]

Understanding Engineers #5

Three engineering students were discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"

[DoloWIGHTY2]

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

I suffered super fish oil injuries.