JOKE OF THE DAY

[Sundowner]

Some of you will know that I am also a Model T Ford enthusiast. Consequently I frequent the pages of several T Ford Forums one of which, "Vintage Ford Forum", has a "Joke" page, just like this one.
If you can weed through the awful jokes, many of them are really funny. But should you go there, please bear in mind, its American.
Cheers,
Rob
https://www.vintagefordforum.com/forum/ ... oke-thread

[Mad Mart]

Thanks Rob, but unless you are registered everything is fuzzy!

[NickMorgan]

Thanks Rob, but unless you are registered everything is fuzzy!

You been drinking again?

[dollyman]

Thanks Rob, but unless you are registered everything is fuzzy!

You been drinking again?

I think i must have been as well But i dont remember
Tony.

[Sundowner]

Thanks Rob, but unless you are registered everything is fuzzy!

Ooops.
Oh Dear...Well, that's embarrassing.
Sorry Folks.
Rob

[dollyman]

Thanks Rob, but unless you are registered everything is fuzzy!

Ooops.
Oh Dear...Well, that's embarrassing.
Sorry Folks.
Rob

I think the joke is on us Rob.. You will have to copy some and post on here.

Tony.

[Sundowner]

Thanks Rob, but unless you are registered everything is fuzzy!

Ooops.
Oh Dear...Well, that's embarrassing.
Sorry Folks.
Rob

I think the joke is on us Rob.. You will have to copy some and post on here.

Tony.

OK,
Heres' one....

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

And another....

Squirrel Problems
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[dollyman]

Brilliant Rob, loved the squirell one

Tony.

[Sundowner]

THE COACH

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
So, the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an a**hole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb a** decision or that the coach is a s**t head, is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

[Sundowner]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[dollyman]

What a shame.

[Sundowner]

Even from way down here in the Antipodes, I appreciate that.
Good one.
Rob

[Sundowner]

Mr. Durwood is on his deathbed and he knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He says to them:
"Paul, I want you to take the Shaughnessy houses."
"Valerie, take the condos over in Coal Harbor and False Creek."
"Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Point Grey."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and, as Mr. Durwood slips away, she says, "Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!"
Mildred replies, "Property?...
The Old Fart had a paper route!"

[Sundowner]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,
"Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

[Sundowner]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.