The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar.

I couldn't believe it when we were at a Halloween party this year, and this girl came up and loudly accused me of "Cultural Appropriation" just because of the Sioux-Indian costume I was wearing. Boy was my face red.

Got stopped by the police who informed me of a thief operating in the area stealing car wheels and tyres. The tell me they are working tirelessly to find them

I served for nine years in the Services, and took frontline flak every single day... ...selling overpriced fuel, fags and bottles of Coke at Newport Pagnell.

I warned my pyromaniac mate not to go on tinder.

Went to the Yorkshire Dolly Club meet this week and Keith comes in looking very forlorn.
"What's up Keith you look a bit down says Dave".
"Oh its the wife can't do anything right, This morning she was a bit amorous and wanted a bit of the other but the old man wasn't working to well. She said go to the chemists today and get some of those tablets that will make you want too. Got back home showed her what I had got and she went ballistic. Seems sliming tablets weren't what she meant".

Alexa !

Tell me my bank balance.

Then tell me which Apple products I can afford.

Apple Juice ?

If you go down to the woods today..........

I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost.... To be honest I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the M50. I eased my car over to the hard shoulder, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard naked men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before officers Dibble and Dribble pulled up behind me.

They got out of their car and started walking towards me. I could tell neither was a happy bunny.

’What’s going on here?’ Said Dibble

’My car has a flat tyre,’ I said calmly.

’Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him,

’HellOOOO, those are my emergency flashers!’

I’ve pulled up in my car earlier outside the local Cornershop, got out and as I went to walk inside three dodgy looking young lads on the mountain bikes asked me if I could go in and get them 20 Richmond. I asked them if they were really sure they wanted 20 Richmond, they said yes so I thought ok seeing as I was in the Dolly and didn't want it damaging. They gave me the money and in I went.

When I came out they were standing round the corner so I walked over to the car, got in and drove over to them and they looked really excited. I chucked them 20 Richmond and gave them the change and drove. They started shouting and swearing and rode as fast as they could after me. Apparently a bag of 20 frozen pork sausages wasn't what they wanted.

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Critical," replied the officer.

"What's she complaining about now?" I said.

As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to the wife:

"Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable."

"Stop being horrible" she replied, "just go and let my mother in."

A man comes out of a shop and sees a funeral procession with two hearses, a man behind walking a dog on a leash and 200 other men behind walking single file. The first man is curious and asks the man with the dog about it.

"I'm sorry for your loss but what sort of funeral is this?"
"The wife started shouting at me and the dog attacked her and killed her."
"Why are there 2 hearses?"
"My mother-in-law stepped in and the dog attacked her and killed her too."
"Can I borrow your dog?"
"Join the queue..."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything”