JOKE OF THE DAY

[RobSun]

Paddy calls his lawyer and asks him "Is it true that people are suing tobacco companies for causing cancer from smoking?"

"Yes Patrick, that is indeed true" replies the lawyer.

"Is it also true that a lady sued McDonald's for millions after burning her tongue while drinking the hot coffee she'd ordered?"

"Yes Patrick, that's also true" says the lawyer.

"And that somebody is suing a fast food restaurant for making them obese and suffering from clogged arteries due to all the burgers and fatty food they ate there?"

"Yes Patrick, but why are you asking all these questions?"

"Well I was just wondering....do you think I could sue Guinness for making me sleep with all those ugly women?"

[dollyman]

Havn't heard about that, when did they go under?

Tony.

[yorkshire_spam]

A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese. It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

[RobSun]

I think it must have been this corona thingy did for them.

[Mad Mart]

Havn't heard about that, when did they go under?

Tony.

2008

[dollyman]

Let's take a moment to think of Philip Schofield.

The poor bugger only just came out and now he's being told he's got to stay in.

[Mad Mart]

Let's take a moment to think of Philip Schofield.

The poor bugger only just came out and now he's being told he's got to stay in.

[Galileo]

Just read this appealing dad joke and I instantly knew where it belonged:

I said to my Mrs "Dig that nurses uniform out of the drawer love"
"Oh" she said "Kinky!"
"Stop messing about and put it on " I said, "We need some milk from the shops..."

[dollyman]

Blimey, seems one of our neighbours was taken to hospital in the night with suspected Covid-19. I hear he’s been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators and is now picking up nicely...

[dollyman]

I wouldn't want to be the first bloke to walk out of the chip shop when this is all over. A flock of starving seagulls will tear the poor b#gger to pieces.

[dollyman]

At an old people's home, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time" The chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on my watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch...watch the watch...watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized, then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact. "SH#T," shouted Claude. It took them three days to completely clean up the Retirement Village and Claude was never invited back again.

[Toledo Man]

I was in the local Asda the other day and somebody asked me why I was in my work clothes. I told them I was a key worker.
"Why don't you work from home?"
"Have you tried driving a fork lift truck in a top floor flat?"

[dollyman]

BREAKING NEWS..............

Paddy's been stuck at home for 3 weeks now, wrapped in Electricians Tape. He's Self Insulating.

In other news.....

Diane Abbott is suing Tesco for putting her signature on their hot cross buns without prior consent. More as we get it...

[dollyman]

Breaking news.......

The new Nightingale Hospital has now opened in Glasgow and will be known as.........


ICU JIMMY.

[dollyman]

I’ve been feeling a bit down and bored during the lockdown so my next door neighbour suggested I should do some gardening and gave me some seeds. Unfortunately it all went to pot and as a result the police arrested me for cannabis farming.