JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

[veloce_rosso]

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around our Town. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

[veloce_rosso]

My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish.

He’s an Espanyol.

[dollyman]

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p155 off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?"

[dollyman]

PANDEMIC LATEST

The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is an emotional coronacoaster.

Quarantinis

Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribera quarintini with a glace' cherry anyone? These are sipped at "lockdown hour" ie. wine o'clock during lockdown which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

Le Creuset wrist

It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly " Clap for Carers". It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high quality kitchenware.

Coronials

As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived during coronavirus quarentine. They might also be known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quran."

Furlough Merlot

Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium."

Coronadose

An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

The elephant in the Zoom

The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention eg. One participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

Quentin Quarintino

An attention seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they are convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

Covidiot

One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic." Also called a "lockclown."

Goutbreak

The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cakes and chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval kings'.

Antisocial distancing

Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

Coughin' dodger

Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

Mask-ara

Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before going out wearing a face-mask.

Covid-10

The 10kg in weight we are all gaining from comfort eating and comfort

[dollyman]

A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them.



There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

[dollyman]

Just had a painter and decorator round to do some work on the house..

Couldn’t believe that He’s currently furloughed British Airways Pilot.. Made a lovely job of the landing...

[Toledo Man]

In a similar vein:
I woke up this morning to find a Boeing 747 in my bedroom. Must've left the landing light on.

Smith & Jones live next door to each other. Jones has a goose that lays golden eggs. One day the goose lays an egg in Smith's garden and there's a dispute over ownership of the egg.
"The egg was laid on my land so it is mine", said Smith.
"It is my goose so the egg is mine", said Jones.
This carries on for a few minutes with neither of them giving way. Eventually, Smith says,
"Let's settle this. We'll kick each other in the balls and whoever stays down the longest forfeits the egg."
"You're on", said Jones. Smith goes first and gives Jones a right kick in the balls. Jones ends up on the floor writhing in pain. He eventually recovers.
"My turn now."
"F*ck it, you can keep the egg", said Smith.

[dollyman]

'High Street clothing store Monsoon enters administration.'

I thought they might have been able to weather the storm.

[Toledo Man]

There was somebody at the door. They were collecting for the local swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.

[soe8m]

There was somebody at the door. They were collecting for the local swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.

And what would be the joke?

Jeroen

[dollyman]

There was somebody at the door. They were collecting for the local swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.

And what would be the joke?

Jeroen

You must have some jokes about the English Jeroen?

Tony.

[dollyman]

Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1.

On aggregate.

[Mad Mart]

Just played a couple of games of football down the local quarry. We won 3-1.

On aggregate.

[soe8m]

There was somebody at the door. They were collecting for the local swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.

And what would be the joke?

Jeroen

You must have some jokes about the English Jeroen?

Tony.

I guess you have to learn a bit about the Dutch humour I guess.

Jeroen