JOKE OF THE DAY

[MIG Wielder]

We had a jolly good house-warming party and barbeque last Summer. All outside naturally ! Things did get a bit raucous and some wine and beer did get spilt sadly.
It's not only the grass that is coming up half cut now.

[dollyman]

A guy goes on Stars in your Eyes. Mathew Kelly says to the guy that he has a really sad story to tell. Yes said the guy. Many years ago I was in a car with my uncle when we had a crash. My uncle was killed instantly and I lost both my legs. Miraculously the surgeons managed to transplant my uncles legs onto me. That's a really heartwarming story says Mathew, but who are you going to be tonight? The guy says tonight Mathew I'm going to be Simon and half uncle.

[dollyman]

.

[TrustNo1]

.

when I heard of his passing today my first thought was the young ones sketch and him being called Bambi

RIP Bambi.

[dollyman]

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was being used?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."

[MIG Wielder]

A tourist is visiting Wales and visits a fast food restaurant for lunch.
"Where is this place", he asks of the waitress ?

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch." she replies.

"Could you say that more slowly so that I can understand it " he says,

"O.K. " she replies: " B-u-r-g-e-r K-i-n-g "

[yorkshire_spam]

I was skeptical about mind-controlled air fresheners, but they make scents if you think about it.

[dollyman]

I bumped into my Partially Deaf mate in town and asked.."How's it going mate?" "Not great." He replied..."I was on my way to the big rock show at Wembley last night when the glass fell out the front of my car." "Loose windscreen?" "No" he answered..."The Rolling Stones."

[Mad Mart]

I bumped into my Partially Deaf mate in town and asked.."How's it going mate?" "Not great." He replied..."I was on my way to the big rock show at Wembley last night when the glass fell out the front of my car." "Loose windscreen?" "No" he answered..."The Rolling Stones."

It took me a while but I got there in the end.

[dollyman]

I bumped into my Partially Deaf mate in town and asked.."How's it going mate?" "Not great." He replied..."I was on my way to the big rock show at Wembley last night when the glass fell out the front of my car." "Loose windscreen?" "No" he answered..."The Rolling Stones."

It took me a while but I got there in the end.

I did as well Mart

[dollyman]

I was showing off my new sports car to my girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"I said to her if I go 200mph, will you take off your clothes?"
Yes she said with plenty of smiles
And as I get up to 100 mph she took off her top, and bra.. then 150 mph she took off her leggings, and knickers.. then I go 200mph flat out.

Unable to keep my eyes on the road, I look.over at her the car skidded onto some gravel, and flipped over.
My naked girlfriend was thrown clear, but I was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" I cried.
"She said but I can't. I'm naked, and my clothes are gone!"
"I said here take my shoes", I said, "and cover your fanny.

Holding the shoes over her fanny, my girlfriend ran down the road, and found a service station.
Still holding the shoes over her fanny she pleaded to the service station proprietor,

"Saying please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoes and said,

"There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[dollyman]

I just returned a woolen jumper to the shop after my girlfriend kept getting a static shock off me.
They gave me one free of charge.

[dollyman]

As a painter, I’m proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery.
I did the skirting boards.

[dollyman]

Ancient Egyptians were great builders,
but only up to a point..

[MIG Wielder]

Did you know that the Earth is 70% water ?

And it's uncarbonated.

It just proves that the Earth is flat.