Off Topic

[1300dolly]

BOB now has a new gearbox which when fitting I managed to snap the gear selector rod joining thingy

[Spunkymonkey]

Betty the Daf's new towbar turned up today, which got me thinking. If she can tow using her 32 (less any escapees) horsepower then something like, say, a 40 hp speedboat should have no problem towing a small barge with Triumphs destined for the IoW next year. Now that would be arriving in style

[Martian]

Education....

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”, comes the reply....

[Martian]

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes '

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Martian]

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b#####d and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[Martian]

A mate of mine has just told me he's sleeping with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

[tinweevil]

6 weeks away from home is hard, 8 weeks is a hell of a lot tougher. Disproportionately so.

[JPB]

If you accidentally fit the driver's side of the propshaft carrier on top of its bracket, rather than beneath as it's meant to be attached to the car, your Dolomite will make lots of horrid banging and thumping noises from underneath when you take off. Even though it seems easier to put it that way.

....Apparently.
I mean, I'd never make such a fundamental cock-up after having had the propshaft out for new joints, this refers to a Dolomite that's owned by, erm, a friend.

[NickMorgan]

I was really disappointed that my bath water didn't turn orange this evening.

[JPB]

Isn't asparagus brilliant? Especially if you use a neighbour's bathroom after you've just had a plateful of the stuff.

[Martian]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mum, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[1300dolly]

Two days of training so I can be taught how to use the companys HIAB , problem being is that the one used for training is completly different to the one I will be using at work so after the two days of training i will have to be taught how to use our one

(A HIAB is a truck mounted crane used for lifting cars)

[TLC]

Ah but have you considered how nice the weather is today?

The weather is very nice to day !!

[Spunkymonkey]

I was a Crane, Atlas, Lorry Mounted, instructor back in the early 90s so I got to do assessments on users, even ones higher rank than me. Ahhh, the power!!!

I doubt I could remember how to switch one on now

[Pauldaf44]

Today I had a big box full on off shiny new car parts delivered. No prize for guessing what im doing tomorrow