Off Topic

[1300dolly]

209 hours. ouch thats 40 hours overtime this month from a person who doesn't do overtime!

[Spunkymonkey]

Tilly out, Betty in.

Full-body makeover Essex Girl style (fill n paint), engine out, hone bores, find & cure whine from transmission, fit tow bar. By 3 weeks on Saturday. Wibble.

[merlind100]

Packing up for the day, just the eighty miles home round the M25 on a bank holiday weekend to go

[tinweevil]

Out here the adverts are incessant incessant incessant incessant incessant incessant incessant incessant. And tedious.

One of the adverts that runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and, well you get the idea is the local equivalent of the X-factor. It's called Arabs Got Talent. On the whole, based on the adverts, that I may have seen a couple of hundred times, my judgement is that in a civilised country the bastards promoting the program would get sued out of existence for that title. They haven't. Oh fcuk me have they not.

[tinweevil]

And it isn't. By a long, long way.

[Martian]

I can sympathise with this...

[Spunkymonkey]

So that's what a dead Daf propshaft looks like:

[Martian]

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal...

[Oli_88]

When on earth did Alan get a Pedobear gif in his signature!

I just spotted it and thought I was hallucinating!

[JPB]

I'm told that Ford were planning to name that coupé "Speculum" but the budget wouldn't stretch that far, so they went with Probe instead. Ouch.

[DoloWIGHTY]

Just been Creosoting the fence and side gate...


...with proper 4 star leaded Crerosote, proper stuff, the stuff they banned, the stuff that used to be made in Northern dark Satanic mills by men in flat caps... no... worse than that children, yes children who were fed a grain of rice a day to produce it and they all died before their 14th birthday, real proper Creosote.

(that was given to me by an elderly neighbour who found it in his shed).

[1300dolly]

The clock stops at midnight.

[Martian]

The Wrong Grade

A first grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principals office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"

Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire-truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Spunkymonkey]

I don't think it's meant to be like that

[Martian]

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.