JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter

[dollyman]

Another Gem


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[triumphdolomiteuk]

[yorkshire_spam]

Last night my wife said to me "And another thing, you never listen!" Which I thought was a weird way to start a conversation.

[Karlos]

A lady goes into a cocktail bar, reads the the cocktail menu and then asks the barman for a double Entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

[dollyman]

Great stuff guy's, lets keep this going. Another will be on the way in the morning

Tony.

[yorkshire_spam]

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

[dollyman]

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "ar*ehole."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So Shirley (my wife) called him a "sh*thead."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.


Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with “Jeremy Corbyn for PM / Vote Labour” stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

[dollyman]

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

[Triumph1300]

Bloody eBay!
A friend ordered a penis enlarger, got a magnifying glass, and instructions that said "Not to be used in direct sunlight"!

[Karlos]

[triumphdolomiteuk]

Keep them coming - haven't enjoyed the Forum this much in years!

[GTS290N]

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO' store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn''t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from TESCO'.

[dollyman]

I told my mate that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash. "That's a bit harsh," he said. "They don't f**k around at Air Traffic Control," I replied.

[dollyman]

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it" Wife texts back: "Computer completely knackered now."