JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

I just applied for a job in the Citroen factory.

I had to send in 2CVs.

[Toledo Man]

A man goes to his doctor about his premature ejaculation. The doctor suggests that next time he's making love to his wife, he should make a sudden noise so that the fright will stop him in his tracks. Later on the man buys himself a starting pistol and keeps it at the side of the bed.
That night the man and his wife start to make love. They get into the "69" position and before long the man feels himself about to ejaculate so he grabs the starting pistol and pulls the trigger.
The next day, he's back at the doctor's.
"Doc, things are much worse. The wife p*ssed in my face, she bit my c*ck off and the next door neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands up."

[covcourier]

I went to the gym today and spotted a hole in my trainer that was big enough to get my finger in.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t amused and now I’ve got to go to court next Thursday.

[dollyman]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[dollyman]

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b'stard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

[dollyman]

I went to the gym today and spotted a hole in my trainer that was big enough to get my finger in.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t amused and now I’ve got to go to court next Thursday.

[xvivalve]

I originally intended to train to be an archeologist....but I didn't want my career to end in ruins

[dollyman]

Dont tell the mrs...........

[Karlos]

Dad joke warning:


What is the difference between a mouldy lettuce and a C+W song about a dead dog?

One is a bad salad whereas the other is a sad ballad.

[Sundowner]

WWII was over and God called Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill together to thank them for their efforts in stopping the Nazis and getting rid of Hitler. He/She told them that as a reward they could have one wish each.

He/She asked Stalin, "What would you like"?
Stalin quickly answered, "Kill all the Americans"

He/She then asked Roosevelt, who answered, "Kill all the Russians"

"OK then", "So what about you Mr. Churchill? What is your one wish?
Churchill answered, "I'll have a double Scotch, but serve the others first"

[Sundowner]

"Found it"

[Toledo Man]

FOR SALE: German Shepherd. Eats anything, especially fond of children.

[soe8m]

Dave, can you move your post to the sales and wants section?

Jeroen

[dollyman]

I asked my Gran how she liked her new stair lift. "It's driving me up the bloody wall", she said.

[Karlos]

A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for possessing battery acid, the other fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.