JOKE OF THE DAY

[Mahesh]

Oh dear, how low will this thread go...

If you want low, try

BMW drivers are the most careful and considerate drivers on the road.

[soe8m]

Oh dear, how low will this thread go...

Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.

It wasn't very pleasant to read as i'm mainly stripping wires and crimp terminals back on.

Jeroen

[Mahesh]

Oh dear, how low will this thread go...

Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.

It wasn't very pleasant to read as i'm mainly stripping wires and crimp terminals back on.

Jeroen

I'd wager most of your crimp terminals are female.

[dollyman]

Oh dear, how low will this thread go...

Sorry, was that last joke a tad improper? Appologies if anyone is offended. Moderators please remove if it is offensive? I am only trying to give people a laugh and not offend.

Tony.

It wasn't very pleasant to read as i'm mainly stripping wires and crimp terminals back on.

Jeroen

I can see why it made you wince Jeroen

Tony.

[Sundowner]

Some of the stuff I just had to save...

[Sundowner]

Some more.....

[dollyman]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've sh*t the bed!

[dollyman]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

[tony g]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

[GTS290N]

A man smelled a funny smell every time he drove his new car. Unable to get to the bottom of the problem, the mechanic asks the man to take him for a drive. The man is a terrifyingly bad driver, and at the end of the trip asks if the mechanic can now smell the smell. 'Smell it? I'm sitting in it!' replies the mechanic.

Warning. Do not Google, "smell it? I'm sitting in it". You've been warned.

[dollyman]

Me and the missus were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny. We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it. Then a copper on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket. I said "What the this for"? "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone" he replied.

(I wish)

[new to this]

Me and the missus were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny. We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it. Then a copper on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket. I said "What the this for"? "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone" he replied.

(I wish)

[dollyman]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't p*ss out of it,' he replied.

[Sundowner]

One for the ladies......

What do toilet bowls, wedding anniversaries and clitorises have in common?
Men miss 'em all.

[MIG Wielder]

The dear old Father sadly passes away and the three sons are assembled in the Solicitor's Office for the reading of the Will.

" To my eldest I leave my house and one third of my business."

"To my 2nd eldest I leave my share portfolio and another third of my business."

" To my weedy, pathetic youngest I leave the final third of my business, in the hope he may eventually make something of it.

The three brothers are talking amongst themselves afterwards, and the eldest says "
"I shall be Company Director and advise everyone on Company strategy and business, going forward "

The 2nd eldest says
" I shall be Company Finance Director and advise on shares, and all things financial."

" And what about me " says the youngest ?

" Well" was the reply
" You can be our adviser or sexual matters …

" When we want your f*****g advice, we'll ask for it".