JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 am: A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snowwoman.

8:15 am: So, I made a snowwoman.


8:17 am: My feminist neighbour complained about the snowwoman's voluptuous
chest, saying it objectified snowwomen everywhere.



8:22 am: The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one
snowperson with detachable parts.

8:25 am: The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 am: I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 am: The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a
burqa.

8:40 am: The police arrive, saying someone has been offended.

8:42 am: The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the
snowwoman needs to be removed, because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 am: The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with
eviction.

8:45 am: My local TV news crew from the ABC showed up, asking me if I know
the difference between snowmen and snowwomen. I replied, "Snowballs." Now
I'm called a sexist.

9:00 am: I'm on the morning news, being described as a suspected terrorist,
racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble
during difficult weather.

9:10 am: I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by
social services.

9:29 am: Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the
street demanding I be charged by the Anti-Everything Commissioner and then
beheaded.

So, how's your morning been?

[dollyman]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my a**e with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[dollyman]

Royal Wedding NightCamilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I"m trying, my darling! But it"s just so blooming tight!""Come on, my prince! Give it all you"ve got!" she cried.Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one"s even tighter!"To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That"s my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[Triumph1300]

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" The homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" Asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

[covcourier]

I had a phone call earlier from a stranger asking me to meet him at the park at 8 o'clock tonight so he could look at my willy.

What a wierdo. He didn't even turn up!

[dollyman]

I asked the doctors receptionist out on a date, an acid tear ran down her cheek and the hair in her facial wart quivered, "Why I'd love to, "she said, "I've never been asked out before. " "OK, I replied, three weeks on Thursday, 9:15 am, don't be late or I'll have to re allocate it to someone else. "

[dollyman]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom...

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What’s up?

I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the

husband.. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mum, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on".

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.... rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!"

[dollyman]

I find it difficult making friends with dolphins that I don't know. They all seem a bit 'clicky'.

[Toledo Man]

2 Irishmen are stranded on an iceberg in the north Atlantic. One says to the other,
"Paddy we're saved. It's the Titanic."

[dollyman]

Just wondering? will these maggots I'm keeping warm in my mouth for fishing do me any harm?

I wait with baited breath..

[dollyman]

An old man walked into a barber's shop for a shave and a haircut. He told the barber he couldn't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks were wrinkled from age. The barber got a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and told the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he'd finished, the old man told the barber it was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, "You'd just have to bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[dollyman]

Union bosses are blaming Brexit as Honda plans to shut down its Swindon plant in 2022. Swindon's MP Justin Tomlinson insisted the decision was not down to Britain's departure from the EU and Honda are leaving by their own Accord.

[Awaiting Repair]

Let’s hope it’s not a Prelude for others to leave......

[tony g]

An old man walked into a barber's shop for a shave and a haircut. He told the barber he couldn't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks were wrinkled from age. The barber got a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and told the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he'd finished, the old man told the barber it was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, "You'd just have to bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[dollyman]

Cathedral City bought for £975 million. The previous owners initially thought the offer was crackers, and wanted a grater figure. They took some time to whey up the deal, thinking about their options very Caerphilly, and asked for another £50m but were told 'No, this is our final offer...Hard cheese!