JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

This irish guy takes his donkey into the pub and says "£100 to anyone who can make my stubborn donkey lie down £5 a go" Loads try and fail eventually a big scottish guy says "ok I will have a go" He takes a big run up and kicks the donkey in the balls, the poor animal brays in pain and drops to the floor in agony and the scotsman takes the £100. The next day paddy is back with the donkey he says "£100 to anyone who can make my stubborn donkey nod then shake his head" he smiles at the scotsman thinking that will stop that trick. The scotsman steps up and calmly whispers in the donkeys ear "remember me" the donkey nods his head "do you want me to do what I did to you yesterday" the donkey shook it's head and the scotsman took his £100.

[dollyman]

I've just got my first big acting break in a play about Neurosurgery. I'm a bundle of nerves!!

[soe8m]

This Irish guy takes his donkey into the pub and says "£100 to anyone who can make my sad donkey happy again £5 a go" Loads try and fail eventually a big Dutch guy says "ok I will have a go" He wishpers something in the donkeys ear and the donkey starts to laugh very hard. The donkey can't stop laughing anymore and stay's in it and the Dutch guy takes the £100. The next week paddy is back with the donkey he says "£100 to anyone who can make donkey stop laughing". I tried everything and he's driving me crazy laughing all day long. The same Dutch guy steps up and calmly and asks for 5 minutes alone with the donkey. After 5 minutes the Dutch guy returns with a crying donkey and he takes his £100. The Irish guy asks what has happened, what did you do? The Dutch guy explains; last week I told your donkey my dick was bigger than his and 5 minutes ago I showed him.

[tony g]

[dollyman]

These irish donky's are great...

[trackerjack]

3 dogs are waiting to be seen by the vet and the first dog is asked by the other two "why are you here?" he replied "oh I was running around in the garden and my masters friend brought her lovely little poodle round and I gave that poodle one! I am having my balls chopped!" same question to dog two with the reply "Oh I was being taken for a walk and we passed a farm and I shagged a goose and I too am having the chop!" "What about you" the third was asked "Well my mistress was having a bath and when she dried herself she bent down to pick up the towel and I could not resist giving her a seeing to" the other two said "I suppose your for the chop too then?" "Oh no actually I am in to have my claws clipped!"

[dollyman]

[dollyman]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off......

[dollyman]

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for £100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you dirty old sod I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for £10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, £10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you going bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

[MIG Wielder]

Its the year 2150.
Mr and Mrs Earthling are entertaining Mr & Mrs Martian to dinner.
And naturally after a good meal and a few drinks, the conversation turns to the subject of sex. Both couples are curious about how the others procreate.

Mr & Mrs Martian demonstrate with a test-tube, a bottle or red fluid, and a bottle of green fluid. There is a puff of smoke and there appears a beautiful bouncing baby Martian. Mr & Mrs Earthling are gob-smacked.

"So, how do you do it ? " they are asked.
So Mr & Mrs Earthing strip off and cuddle up on the sofa.
After a few minutes of pleasure they finish and attire themselves.

"Is that it ? " says Mr Martian.

" Oh yes " was the reply.

"But, how long does the result take ?"

" About 9 months " was the reply.

" In which case, what was all the hurry at the end ? " says Mr Martian.

[tony g]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off......

[dollyman]

Did you hear about the Irishman who made love to a Princess? He burnt his b*llocks on the exhaust pipe

[dollyman]

A quick snack

[dollyman]

BREAKING NEWS: A Swedish woman gives birth to a healthy boy after becoming the world's FIRST to get pregnant after having a womb transplant performed using a robot. The unnamed Swedish woman gave birth to a boy weighing 6lbs 3oz (2.9kg) via a Caesarean section and WD40.'

[Toledo Man]

An Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman are captured by cannibals. The chief cannibal asks the Englishman,
"Where are you from?"
"London"
"In the pot you go."
The chief cannibal asks the Scottishman,
"Where are you from?"
"Glasgow"
"In the pot you go"
The chief cannibal asks the Irishman.
"Where are you from?"
"Dublin"
"You can go free"
One of the cannibals says to the chief cannibal.
"Why did you let him go?"
"The last one we had from Dublin ate all the potatoes."