JOKE OF THE DAY

[Carledo]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Sorry Rob, that one just isn't funny! There are several of him/her in my village and they are a total menace who should be disqualified!

If I ever get like that, I hope someone will shoot me and put me out of my misery!

Steve

EDIT, loved the squirrels though!

[dollyman]

For the last few years I've dedicated myself to caring for a dolphin-like aquatic mammal, but now it's gone missing. I feel like my life no longer has any Porpoise.

[dollyman]

A passenger airliner has just landed at Glasgow airport and after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the intercom off ! The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a shite and then I am gonny bang the a**e aff that new wee stewardess" Unaware every passenger has just heard him !! The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee Glasgow wummin helps her up and says, "Take yer time hen, he`s going fur a shite first"

[trackerjack]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Sorry Rob, that one just isn't funny! There are several of him/her in my village and they are a total menace who should be disqualified!

If I ever get like that, I hope someone will shoot me and put me out of my misery!

Steve

EDIT, loved the squirrels though!

Well I am 68 years young and have some of the listed defects and I find that joke hilarious, especially as 15 years ago I left Devon to return to Hampshire where I have lived the most of my life. One of the reasons I left Devon was the old decrepit drivers that are in abundance crawling through the lanes and roads flashing their lights when you overtake them as they tear around at 15 MPH!

[Carledo]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Sorry Rob, that one just isn't funny! There are several of him/her in my village and they are a total menace who should be disqualified!

If I ever get like that, I hope someone will shoot me and put me out of my misery!

Steve

EDIT, loved the squirrels though!

Well I am 68 years young and have some of the listed defects and I find that joke hilarious, especially as 15 years ago I left Devon to return to Hampshire where I have lived the most of my life. One of the reasons I left Devon was the old decrepit drivers that are in abundance crawling through the lanes and roads flashing their lights when you overtake them as they tear around at 15 MPH!

I'm not far behind you Jon at 65 myself! Hard of hearing and short of hair, teeth and breath (too many fags) but otherwise unrestored factory original condition!

But I see no reason, nor have any inclination, to slow down! In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that I don't have time to waste bumbling along behind these idiots at 25 MPH in a NSL area! Continuous practice means my reaction times (as measured with clinical precision by the "christmas trees" at Santa Pod and the late lamented Long Marston dragstrip) are still the same 0.3 seconds they were when I was 20! If only everyone took their driving so seriously, i'm sure there'd be a lot less accidents on the road!

So NO, I still don't find it funny!

Rant over, Steve

[dollyman]

I can see both sides Steve, having a very warped sense of humour I am the same age as you but i live a couple of miles away from a very large garden centre, and there rarely is a day goes by without an accident or a near miss with doddery old scrotes pulling out onto the road (a fast "A" road) at 5mph wondering why an HGV or car has shunted them into a field. I do feel that anyone over 70 should have to pass a test every year! You can tell the type... flat cap and three overcoats on. At the begining of the year i had a heart problem and was in hospital for 10 days. At no time was i told not to drive. This was stupid as i didnt feel well enough to drive, and did not for about another month. I class myself as a good driver having passed my advanced test and the rospa test and still have a clean liscence since i was 17, but i know my limits and just wished others did as well......

Tony.

[yorkshire_spam]

If you ever get to challenge Death himself to a competition for your life, don't choose a pillow fight!
You can't handle the reaper-cushions!

[dollyman]

If you ever get to challenge Death himself to a competition for your life, don't choose a pillow fight!
You can't handle the reaper-cushions!

Boom boom Very good Sam i like that

Tony.

[soe8m]

Just asked my son to hand the news paper. It's modern times dad, here's my ipad.
One dead fly and a p155 off son.

Jeroen

[dollyman]

The doctor told my wife that the tickling sensation she had been feeling in her head was caused by a parasitic insect trapped inside her auditory canal. He said he wasn't able remove it that day and to come back 2 days later. My wife got quite rude and caused a scene, demanding to be treated immediately. The doctor refused to be bullied and sent her home with a flea in her ear.

[dollyman]

I was convinced my colleagues at Specsavers were price-fixing to gain more sales than me. Turned out to be an Optical Collusion.

[dollyman]

Pensioner riding a bike dies after hitting a Combine Harvester. A man is bailed.

[RobSun]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

[Toledo Man]

A shoplifter was found dead under Morrisons.

[dollyman]

My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat. When his mum finds out she's going to ring his neck.