JOKE OF THE DAY

[RobSun]

Should have posted in joke of the day but clicked on new post by accident. Could a mod please move it to correct thread.
Thanks

[GTS290N]

So awful it's good.

[new to this]

So awful it's good.

+1 on that

[dollyman]

+2, it more than qualifies for the "joke of the day"

Tony.

[Carledo]

+3, I heard a version of this joke, with the same punch line, when I was in secondary school. I'm 65 now! The old ones are surely the best ones!

Steve

[Carledo]

A shoplifter was found dead under Morrisons.

That one took 3 readings before I got it! Am I getting a bit dense in my old age?

Steve

[Carledo]

THE TALE OF PADDY, THE COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.

The scene is set on a building site, on a sunny Monday morning, labourers are going about their business and the foreman is in his office, feet up on his desk, drinking his tea and "reading" the Sun when a shiny black Rolls pulls up outside and out gets Paddy, pin striped donkey jacket and highly polished wellies.

He approaches the site office and is met by the foreman, to whom he explains that he'd like a job. Anything will do.

Curiosity piqued, the foreman says "you don't look as if you need a job here mate, what's your story?"

Paddy says, "To be honest, sorr, oim a compulsive gambler and oive niver lost out on a bet in me loif, but oim bored and need somethin to while away me toim"

Seeing the chance to make a killing and perhaps take the cocky Paddy down a peg or two, the foreman agrees to give him a job, on condition that Paddy has a bet with him. "Sure" says Paddy "anything you like!" (i'm not going to keep doing the accent, you can imagine it if you like!)

So the foreman thinks for a moment and says "OK, i'll bet you £20 that i'm still alive at 4 o'clock this afternoon" and Paddy says "You're on!" Paddy goes off with a wheelbarrow and the foreman returns to his reading.

The day passes, unremarked and unremarkable, lunchtime comes and goes and, as 4 pm rolls around, the foreman calls Paddy over to the office, accompanied by a crowd of brickies and labourers, who have, of course, all heard about the bet.

"Well, Paddy" says the foreman, "it's 4 o'clock, and i'm still alive" , "Yes, it appears so" says Paddy "But if you don't mind, id just like to check something to be absolutely sure, so would you mind dropping your trousers please?"

The foreman thinks the request a bit odd, but he can taste victory, so he agrees and drops his trousers and pants. Paddy whips out a trowel from behind his back, gently lifts each of the foremans testicles on it and inspects them minutely, then silently pulls a £20 note from his pocket and hands it to the foreman. "HA!" says the foreman, crowing with delight, "I thought you were the man who'd never lost a bet in his life, what do you call that then?"

"No sir" explains Paddy, "I said i'd never lost OUT on a bet in me life and I haven't. Because I bet every one of these 50 blokes here £10 each that i'd have your balls on the end of my trowel by 4.30!"

Steve

[dollyman]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and he had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but all he kept whispering was "Chun Yu Yan, Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then he died. It was so sad and I really struggled with not knowing what his last words were, but I got the courage to look up the translation after his burial... Apparently, it means "You're standing on my f*cking oxygen tube"

[Toledo Man]

Should have posted in joke of the day but clicked on new post by accident. Could a mod please move it to correct thread.
Thanks

Done.

[Karlos]

I recently took an airline to court for the loss of my luggage.

I lost my case.

[dollyman]

A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog “I heard a good joke today” Second dog “Go on then” First dog “Knock Kno..... Second dog leaps up and goes berserk.

[Mad Mart]

A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog “I heard a good joke today” Second dog “Go on then” First dog “Knock Kno..... Second dog leaps up and goes berserk.

That one took me a while to sus.

[new to this]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and he had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but all he kept whispering was "Chun Yu Yan, Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then he died. It was so sad and I really struggled with not knowing what his last words were, but I got the courage to look up the translation after his burial... Apparently, it means "You're standing on my f*cking oxygen tube"

Best one yet

[dollyman]

I had to put a lock on my cupboard after my wife kept drinking all the low fat hot chocolate. She left me with no Options.

[new to this]

I had to put a lock on my cupboard after my wife kept drinking all the low fat hot chocolate. She left me with no Options.

Why no Options they do mint