JOKE OF THE DAY

[trackerjack]

Friend just arrived from China and sang Sinatra songs constantly, I asked his wife what was wrong with him and she told me he had crooner virus.

[Toledo Man]

My mate has just got a job after a few years on the dole. He has 500 people under him. He mows the grass at the local cemetery.

[RobSun]

As a Butcher is "Shoooing" a Dog away from his Shop,

He sees £10 and a note in the Dog's mouth, reading: "2lbs of Lamb Chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the Money, puts a Bag of Chops in the Dog's mouth, and quickly closes the Shop.

He follows the Dog and watches him wait for a Green Light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a Bus Stop.

The Dog checks the Timetable and sits on the Bench. When a Bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the Bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck...??

As the Bus travels out into the Suburbs, the Dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back Paws to push the "Stop" button, then the Butcher follows him off.

The Dog runs up to a House and drops his bag on the Front Step.

He goes back down the Path, takes a big run, and throws himself - "Whap".. - against the Door.

He does this again and again. No Answer. So he Jumps on a wall, walks around the Garden, beats his Head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the Dog.

The Butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing..??? This Dog's a Genius"..

The Owner responds,

"Genius!!! That's the second time this week, he's forgotten his Front Door Key.

[dollyman]

The scientist who discovered wheat intolerance has passed away. His family have requested no flours at the funeral…

[RobSun]

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "Blow his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God some vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in.

[dollyman]

Absolutely brilliant

Tony.

[dollyman]

Popped into Boots & asked the lady "Do you sell anything to prevent the spread of Coronavirus?
She answered “Ammonia cleaner”.
I said "Sorry love, I thought you worked here”. 

[dollyman]

As you get older, your memory starts to go, you become forgetful, strange things happen such as ‘Oh, that wasn’t the toilet, it was the wardrobe’ or ‘If this is a suppository in my ear where is my hearing aid ?’ Well, there is now an easy way to bolster your memory, Sainsbury’s sell Sticky Notes for only £2. What....you forgot to buy a pen ?

[Toledo Man]

I bought some man size tissues the other day. They're 6' x 3'.

[dollyman]

Lidl management today said that because of the panic buying and pandemonium in their stores that they are taking drastic action and opening another till.

[Toledo Man]

A man is away in Hong Kong on business. He takes a prostitute back to his hotel room and they "do the deed". As they're doing it, she says something in Chinese and the man assumes she's complimenting him on his performance. The next day he's playing a round of golf with some local businessmen. One of them gets a hole-in-one. The man remembering the previous night with the prostitute says the same thing and one of the businessmen turns round to him and says,
"What do you mean the wrong hole?"

[dollyman]

A driver pulls up for fuel at a remote petrol station miles from anywhere and asks to use the telephone as there's no mobile signal.

"No phone" replies the elderly owner. The driver explains that he wants to check on his family in view of the Corona virus.

"What virus?" asks the owner. "Corona" replies the driver. "Haven't you seen it on the television?"

The owner shakes his head. "Nope. No television."

"You haven't heard it mentioned on the radio?"

"No radio."

"Haven't you seen it in the papers?"

"No papers out here. Was there anything else you wanted besides the petrol?"

The driver nods.

"Can I have 200 rolls of toilet paper and a couple of dozen bottles of hand sanitiser?"

Courtesy of Colin Linsay

[dollyman]

Minimal contact with the world outside home.
No parties
No going down the pub
No visits to or from family and friends
No mass gatherings
No trips to concerts or sporting events.
I knew it!
It was inevitable that the rest of you would catch up with my lifestyle at some stage.

[Toledo Man]

Food shortages, empty shelves and long queues.
Commnist Russia circa 1986? No, UK supermarkets in 2020.

A man is sitting in his garden when a ladder descends from the heavens and a voice says "Climb the ladder to success." The man starts to climb the ladder and comes across a woman on a ledge.
"Sleep with me or climb the ladder to success." The man decided to keep on climbing the ladder. He comes across another woman who is slightly younger and better looking.
"Sleep with me or climb the ladder to success." He keeps on climbing the ladder and he keeps on coming across more women who get younger and better looking. He eventually gets to the top where there is a fat, bald, ugly and hairy man with sweat pouring off him.
"Hello, I'm Cess."

[RobSun]

With no live or televised sport to watch I had a really nice chat with her indoors. Talked about all sorts of things then I asked "how's the job going love"?
She looked at me the way only she who must be obeyed can, and said " I got made redundant". Well that was a real surprise, who would have thought a company like WOOLWORTHS could go bust.

Did I miss something??