JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

I hate it when people get all intellectual and talk about Mozart. I bet they've never even seen one of his paintings.

[dollyman]

People often ask me how i smuggle chocolate into the cinema? Well.. I have a few Twix up my sleeve!

[dollyman]

My friend was injured recently when someone threw a bunch of herbs in his face.

He’s now registered as being parsley sighted.

[dollyman]

I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really pi**ed off.

It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

[dollyman]

I went into my local shop to buy some Dairylea cheese They said they cannot sell it because the government says they have got to stop the spread

[tinweevil]

(nicking the ticket one too)

Channel surfing on the hotel's TV I found one dedicated to origami porn - but it was paper view only.

[Sundowner]

This may have been posted before. If it has, my apologies, but its a goodun....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent
but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?'
'Yes, he's out in the garden' ' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?
'Yes, but she's out in the garden, too'
& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes' whispered the child, 'a policeman'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Police Dog Man'
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked,
'What is that noise?'
'It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed in a helicopter'
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....
'Me'

[Mad Mart]

[FarleyFlavors]

Channel surfing on the hotel's TV I found one dedicated to origami porn - but it was paper view only.

I was checking in to a hotel and asked the receptionist if the porn channel was disabled.

They replied, "No, it's just regular porn you sick b*stard".

[dollyman]

A genie walks into a bar. "Give me a pint of lager and I will grant you a wish." "Oh, not again," says the barman. "I wish you'd just pay for your pint like everyone else."

[MIG Wielder]

The number of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying levels.
Some scientists claim it might be a pundemic.

[Sundowner]

Wabbits
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, with the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

[Sundowner]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[Sundowner]

ORDERING PIZZA TODAY...

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number.
GOOGLE: No sir. Google bought Gordon's Pizza.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with 3 cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms & meatballs.
CALLER: OK! That's what I want ...
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Walgreens, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

[dollyman]

excellent selection to read on a horrible day

Tony