JOKE OF THE DAY

[RobSun]

1. Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.

2. If you can smell the wine then drink it & see if you can taste it.

3. If you can taste & smell it confirms you don't have covid.

Last night I did the test 19 times, & all were negative, thank God.

Tonight I am going to do the test again, because this morning I woke with a headache & feel like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

[dollyman]

Matt Hancock was visiting an old people’s home as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the covid problem in the elderly.

He went up to an old lady in a wheelchair and said “ Do you know who I am?”

“No” she said “ but if you ask the nurse on the front desk she will tell you “

[dollyman]

The other day my friend said to me,
“What would you do if your internet history became public knowledge?”
“I’d probably have to leave home,” I replied.
“And where would you go?” he asked.
“Prison,” I said.

[dollyman]

“Hello bartender”
“Good evening sir”
“Bartender, what’s the wi-fi password, please ?”
Bartender “you’ll have to buy a round of drinks first”
“OK, two single malts and three pints of heavy”
“There you go sir, £17.20 please”
Customer hands over £20 note, then
“Keep the change, now what is the password please ?”
Bartender “thank you sir, as for the password ‘you’ll have to buy a round of drinks first’....all lower case and no spaces”

[dollyman]

At a recent NASA conference concerning plans to put a woman on the moon in 2024 it was revealed that the Earth-Moon trip will take 2 weeks longer than previous missions. When asked if this was due to a different propulsion system or unusual orbital alignments the NASA spokesman said "No, it's because this time we are taking the scenic route for a change".

Nasa plans to put a woman on the moon by 2024. It would have been 2022 but they need two more years to develop an automatic gearbox for the lunar rover.

[dollyman]

"Mr Whopping," said my doctor.

"I don't think you should be bothering the surgery just because you have a hair caught in your foreskin."


"You don't understand, doc." I replied. "H.A.R.E."

[dollyman]

I bought a Dictionary at a car boot sale today but when I got it home I realised it was full of blank pages.
I couldn’t find the words to express my anger.

[dollyman]

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I bloody hate having visitors.

[dollyman]

I hate people who bang on about their phobias.

I have terrible fear of heights, but you won't find me shouting about it from the rooftops.

[RobSun]

A young lad had a promise off his girlfriend they would do it for the 1st time tonight. So being young and nervous he called in the chemist for advice and condoms. The chemist was very helpful with all the advice and sold the boy a pack of 10. Later that evening he was invited to the girls house for dinner with her parents. Sitting at the table he offers to say grace before they eat, the boy leans over to say grace, after 1 minute he his still saying grace, 10 mins later he still saying grace, after 20 mins his girlfriend leans over and says, i didn't know you were religious, the boy whispers, i didn't know your father was a chemist.

[RobSun]

Two men in a pub. One was sitting with a large dog.
That’s a lovely looking dog said first man.
Do you want to buy him says second man.
He’s a talking dog.
Don’t be silly there isn’t such a thing as a talking dog..
At that moment the dog chimes in saying
I beg your pardon, I am a talking dog, and I swam the channel last week. The week before I single pawed scaled Everest, and in record time.
Last month I had dinner with Phil and Liz at Buckingham Palace.
First man said “that’s amazing, he is a talking dog, why do you want to sell him?
Second man says

“I can’t stand his f***** lies.

Lee Mack

[MIG Wielder]

I went to the dentist today.
I had to wait some time so I was interested to read the Car magazines.
I see the Sierra is due to be launched to replace the Cortina.
I can't wait to see it !

[dollyman]

I went to the dentist today.
I had to wait some time so I was interested to read the Car magazines.
I see the Sierra is due to be launched to replace the Cortina.
I can't wait to see it !

I see we use the same dentist

Tony.

[dollyman]

So I said to the Doctor "My anxiety attacks seem to be most prevelant when I'm driving on the M5" "Would they be most intense around junctions 11, 11a and 12?" the Doctor asked
"Yes I think your right Dr" I replied "What do you think it is?"
With a worried look the doctor said "I'm afraid you may well be Gloucesterphobic!"

[dollyman]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."