JOKE OF THE DAY

[dollyman]

My wife got angry with me because I kept slipping golf references into our conversations.
I soon putter in her place.

[dollyman]

Just been to a friends funeral. He died after getting hit on the head by a tennis ball. . . . . . It was a lovely service!

[dollyman]

I can’t quite believe I’ve been cured of my kleptomania. I have to keep pinching myself...

[MIG Wielder]

The Scotsman was feeling a bit "crook" so he rang in to the boss at work and said weakly …

"Sorry I won't be in today , I have a wee cough "

His boss replied " You have a wee cough ! "

"Thank you very much" was the reply.

[FarleyFlavors]

The Scotsman was feeling a bit "crook" so he rang in to the boss at work and said weakly …

"Sorry I won't be in today , I have a wee cough "

His boss replied " You have a wee cough ! "

"Thank you very much" was the reply.

There's a better (or at least more Scottish) version of that joke...

Ten cows standing in a field. Which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

[dollyman]

My mates uncle has just been run over by a boat in Venice.

I've sent My gondolences.

[dollyman]

A man walked into a pub. Barman asks " what can i get you sir ?" Man says " I may get a pint, you know, a lager, cider or bitter but then again I may get a short, you know, a whisky, vodka or rum, but then again I may get a cocktail, you know, a pina colada, bloody mary or a screwdriver. This conversation goes on a while. Barman says "It's getting busy sir have you come to a decision ?" Yes, says man. I'll bave a champagne and orange juice" So a bucks fizz then.

I thought i was going to be stood here all night waiting while you were MAKING YOUR MIND UP

[dollyman]

When I was young, I wanted to work on a cruise ship; however, I am too old now , so I guess that ship has sailed.

[dollyman]

Once upon a time there lived a German named Hans. Each day, before work, he'd go fishing. Every fish he caught he would smack it on a rock to make sure it was dead. Then he went to work as a health visitor to local schools. His job was to cure teenagers with acne using milk. Hence the song... # Now hans who kills fishes can heal spots on a face with some white cream dairy liquid !!#

[dollyman]

A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at a vaccination centre and began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home he immediately called the people at the vaccination centre for advice and asked if he should go to a doctor or a hospital. He was told to NOT go to a doctor or a hospital, but to return to the vaccination centre and pick-up his glasses.

[dollyman]

The wife and I went to see a type of dance performance but the Russian participants were deliberately combative or uncooperative. That's the last time I take her to see the bolshie ballet.

[dollyman]

My mate was showing me around his new knock off version of a ferrari he had just bought. It had a ships wheel instead of a steering wheel, an anchor instead of a handbrake and a treasure map instead of a satnav.
It was a pirate copy.

[dollyman]

t

[dollyman]

I saw a young lad asking people if they'd seen any small spherical objects of coloured glass.
Watch out, I thought...
this kid's lost his marbles.

[dollyman]

The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"