The Triumph Dolomite Club - Discussion Forum

The Number One Club for owners of Triumph's range of small saloons from the 1960s and 1970s.
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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Feb 22, 2021 5:57 pm 
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Joined:Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:52 pm
Posts:2197
My Wife gave me an envelope on which was written
"Not to be opened until 2024 ".
Inside was a list of reasons why I couldn't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Feb 22, 2021 7:02 pm 
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TDC Cheshire Area Organiser

Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
Quote:
My Wife gave me an envelope on which was written
"Not to be opened until 2024 ".
Inside was a list of reasons why I couldn't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Tue Mar 09, 2021 2:55 pm 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
My son came running in to me shouting "dad, there's a man at the door with a bill". Imagine my surprise when I found it was just a duck in a bowler hat.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Sun Mar 14, 2021 11:46 am 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
Irish Medical Dictionary. Please discuss.

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What you do when patients die.

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie. Impotent:

Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Nearly killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.

Urine: Opposite of you're out!!..

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Tue Mar 23, 2021 2:24 pm 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
I interviewed two young girls to be my new secretary. One, Rachel, had a huge amount of experience and qualifications just what I was looking for. Very plain looking though.
The second, Julie was so pretty, but nowhere near as well qualified. Long story short, Julie got the job and I'm being sued for Rachel discrimination.

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Mon Apr 05, 2021 12:50 pm 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
I was chatting to the dentist. "What's the best toothpaste?" I asked him.
"Colgate," he said. "It kills 99.9% of bacteria in your mouth."
"So what about Colgate Sensitive?"
"It kills the same amount," he explained, "but it doesn't hurt their feelings."

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:48 am 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
I've just bought some state of the art garden shears. They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

My uncle went in a shop to buy a dozen bees for his hive, when he got home he counted them up and there were 13. Being an honest man he rang the shop keeper up to tell him . The shop keeper said "It's fine I added one extra, it's a freebee."

Quasimodo goes into a Savile Row tailors shop and asks "Do you have a suit that will fit me"? The Tailor replies "If we have, some twat's going to get the sack"

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:17 am 
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Joined:Tue Oct 03, 2006 4:48 pm
Posts:8221
Location:Winscombe, North Somerset, England
They get worse! :lol:

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Sprintless for the first time in 35+ years. :boggle2:

2007 Porsche Boxster S


Image

You can't start a sentence with 'And'.

Grammar:
The difference between knowing your sh#t and knowing you're sh#t.

Schedule: Pronounced "Shedule" not "Skedule"!


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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Fri Apr 16, 2021 9:31 am 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
Quote:
They get worse! :lol:
Never mind Mart, try these :D 8)

I was standing in line, waiting to get my hair cut, when I realised that nobody had even started a fire yet. I thought, "This is a crap barber queue."

If you mix Colin the Caterpillar cakes and Cuthbert the caterpillar cakes in a bowl ...weeks later you get Butterfly cakes

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 Post subject: Re: JOKE OF THE DAY
PostPosted:Sat Apr 24, 2021 4:05 pm 
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Joined:Wed May 17, 2017 5:28 pm
Posts:1288
Location:NANTWICH.
One man killed and another seriously injured after being run over by a BMW in a Surrey M&S car park. When asked how it happened, a policeman said, "as yet there is no indication"

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