JOKE OF THE DAY

[MIG Wielder]

My Wife gave me an envelope on which was written
"Not to be opened until 2024 ".
Inside was a list of reasons why I couldn't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

[dollyman]

My Wife gave me an envelope on which was written
"Not to be opened until 2024 ".
Inside was a list of reasons why I couldn't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

[dollyman]

My son came running in to me shouting "dad, there's a man at the door with a bill". Imagine my surprise when I found it was just a duck in a bowler hat.

[dollyman]

Irish Medical Dictionary. Please discuss.

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What you do when patients die.

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie. Impotent:

Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Nearly killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.

Urine: Opposite of you're out!!..

[dollyman]

I interviewed two young girls to be my new secretary. One, Rachel, had a huge amount of experience and qualifications just what I was looking for. Very plain looking though.
The second, Julie was so pretty, but nowhere near as well qualified. Long story short, Julie got the job and I'm being sued for Rachel discrimination.

[dollyman]

I was chatting to the dentist. "What's the best toothpaste?" I asked him.
"Colgate," he said. "It kills 99.9% of bacteria in your mouth."
"So what about Colgate Sensitive?"
"It kills the same amount," he explained, "but it doesn't hurt their feelings."

[dollyman]

I've just bought some state of the art garden shears. They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

My uncle went in a shop to buy a dozen bees for his hive, when he got home he counted them up and there were 13. Being an honest man he rang the shop keeper up to tell him . The shop keeper said "It's fine I added one extra, it's a freebee."

Quasimodo goes into a Savile Row tailors shop and asks "Do you have a suit that will fit me"? The Tailor replies "If we have, some twat's going to get the sack"

[Mad Mart]

They get worse!

[dollyman]

They get worse!

Never mind Mart, try these

I was standing in line, waiting to get my hair cut, when I realised that nobody had even started a fire yet. I thought, "This is a crap barber queue."

If you mix Colin the Caterpillar cakes and Cuthbert the caterpillar cakes in a bowl ...weeks later you get Butterfly cakes

[dollyman]

One man killed and another seriously injured after being run over by a BMW in a Surrey M&S car park. When asked how it happened, a policeman said, "as yet there is no indication"

[GIX 7]

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
"Get out!" shouts the barman "we don't serve your type in here!"

[harvey]

My Wife gave me an envelope on which was written
"Not to be opened until 2024 ".
Inside was a list of reasons why I couldn't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

If you had waited until half past eight she wouldn't have been able to complain about anything then....

[dollyman]

My Grandad was telling me about a stray dog his battalion adopted during WW2.

"He was a lovely fella. Brought smiles to our faces even on the darkest days," he remembered fondly. "Taught him all sorts of tricks we did. He'd give you his paw, beg on his hind legs and he loved a game a fetch."

"What happened to him Grandad?"

A tear welled up in his eye, "We had to shoot him son."

"Why?"

"Our own fault really... Never should have taken him along to that grenade practice."

[dollyman]

On our 35th wedding anniversary I gave my wife £3,000 as a gift, "Wow" she said, "where did you get that?" "I put a pound away every time I had sex for a surprise for you on a special day. " "That's amazing, " she said, "I can't believe I did exactly the same thing, " as she gave me £5,000.

[MIG Wielder]

A bloke is up before the beak on a serious charge of murder. From the dock he spies an old friend on the jury, so that evening he rings him up and persuades him to convince his fellow jurors to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The verdict comes in and its one of "Guilty of Manslaughter" .

5 years later the old buddies meet up in the pub.

" You did a great job of persuading your fellow jurors to give that manslaughter verdict " he says. " It must have been very difficult what with all the evidence. "

" Yes, said his friend it took a long time."
" The rest of the jury wanted to acquit you !"