JOKE OF THE DAY

[MIG Wielder]

Famous quote of the decade was when John Logie Baird invented the Television.

"At least it will stop people worrying about decorating and gardening."

[dollyman]

The companies who make sanitising gel must be rubbing their hands together.

[Mad Mart]

The companies who make sanitising gel must be rubbing their hands together.

[dollyman]

After some bad financial advice, I lost all my savings investing in an Egyptian themed Housing Estate. Turned out to be one of those Pyramid Schemes.

[dollyman]

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.

"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"

"You nutbar, you're not in a car, you're in a mental hospital!"

A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the f*ck up will you, he's giving me twenty quid a day to wash it ."

[dollyman]

Just had a wardrobe delivered by IKEA, not a single screw, bracket, dowel, nothing,


I thought f*ck me you couldn't make it up.

[MIG Wielder]

Don't worry about the likes of Google and Facebook having all your private data.

Your vacuum cleaner has been sweeping up the dirt on you for years !

[dollyman]

Me : Can I borrow the new book about Cockney swearwords?

Librarian : You can't.

Me : Yeah, that's the one.

[dollyman]

Just bought a load of old railway buffers on eBay for a bargain price. It was an end of line sale.

[dollyman]

The Chav's Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, who art in prison,

even mum knows not His name,

thy chavdom come,

you'll read The Sun,

in Exmouth which is in Devon,

give us this day our welfare bread,

and forgive us our ASBOs,

as we happy slap those who got ASBOs against us,

lead us not into employment,

but deliver us free housing,

for thine is the chavdom,

the burberry and the Bacardi,

for ever and ever.

INNIT....

[dollyman]

"Its a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I dont believe its a boy"


It was at that moment i decided id never visit thailand again

[dollyman]

I can't find the meaning of nihilism anywhere.

[dollyman]

Life is not so bad after all...if you were unlucky enough to be born as a drone bee, this is what you have to look forward to. Drone bees live with one purpose in mind: mating with a queen. When they're lucky enough to achieve it, it only lasts a few seconds, and they die immediately afterward, because their penis and abdominal tissues are violently ripped from the body as part of the process. If that's the reward for sh#gging the Queen no wonder Prince Philip looks f#cked.

[dollyman]

I have some hearing aids for sale.

If you are interested give me a shout.

[dollyman]

An old man is sitting by himself at a park bench crying, when along walks a police officer.

With genuine concern the police officer approaches the old man, "is everything ok sir?"

The old man looks up, "no it's not, every morning I wake up to a beautiful 22 year old blonde, we make passionate love and then she cooks me breakfast with bacon, sausages, eggs and everything else I love. After that she gives me a bath, taking care of all the extra details. She then makes me lunch which is followed by some more passionate love. In the evening she cooks me dinner and before we go to bed we have some crazy wild sex."

The police officer scratching his head, "well what on earth could be wrong with that? what are you so upset about?"

The old man looks up with clear frustration and defeat,

"I can't remember where I live".